My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 29 – 35

What were the wipes for though? As a father, running out of wipes is pretty bad, but I doubt this guy brought kids on a skiing trip. “Wiping out” wouldn’t be the end of the world, unless he’s the sick kind of individual who wipes with wet wipes instead of using the classy bidet.

Ah, joke number 219, one of the originals from the beginning of time. Well, the jokes were still bad but at least not repeats this time. Having to eat two banana taffies was worse than the eye strain I got from rolling them too far into my head.

Day 30

Thirty days in! Feels like a lifetime. Not quite a month yet but let’s celebrate with some more fusion flavor: Strawberry-Kiwi.

More fruit jokes. I feel like most jokes have a punchline that involves a pun of a real life item or scenario, but there’s no such thing as an electric banana – unless that’s a name of some degenerate toy out there. Maybe it could be workshopped to pay on electric eel – electric peel, perhaps. Not quite there, but I feel to make the joke not completely suck, there’s got to be something that can be done.

This one is much better. Thinking of smelly pits is not something I like to do when eating candy, or really ever, but at least it’s a sensible pun.

Day 31

Sweet, soft, cherry. I started this with a pretty positive outlook on the flavor, but its artificiality is starting to get on my nerves. My taste buds long for the taste of real fruit…

Tell that to book editors. The rates they charge – though probably justified – can get pretty crazy. There’s definitely money in spell-check. Now fact-checking, that’s another matter these days….

My dirty mind jumped to a different, Gen Z answer when I read this, but then realized that answer wouldn’t make sense as it would actually be possible to do both.

There is, guaranteed, someone out there who has eaten a tennis ball. Probably multiple people, so this answer doesn’t work either.

Day 32

Banananananana. Free me from this prison.

True, true, it would be hard to wear a laptop. Oh, what’s this? Proof of your lies? Found in five seconds on Google? Well well well. This joke refutal has been sponsored by IndiaMART. IndiaMART is India’s largest online B2B marketplace, connecting buyers with suppliers. We have all your costume needs – inquire within. IndiaMART.

Another loss for you I’m afraid, Laffy Taffy writers.

Now that’s a joke to groan at. If we allow ourselves to think of gas as a fuel, I suppose cell phones do need “gas” in the form of electricity.

What I like about this joke is that, unlike our friend the electric banana, the answer actually relates to the question in both elements. Phone -> Mobile. Gas -> Automobile. It’s all interconnected. Not two random words put together for a nonsensical punchline.

Now does this joke still suck? Absolutely.

Day 33

Cherry again. I can’t help but wonder what cherry these flavor scientists were comparing their product to. What made them go “Yeah, this is it. This is the cherry flavor we wanted.” Besides giving up after years of attempts, maybe. Because this… ain’t it.

On my initial read through of this joke I thought it said “a head and no neck” and I thought “well that describes a lot of unfortunate people in this world. Upon re-reading it, it made much more sense. I can’t think of anything else that fits the criteria.

To the elderly who might be reading this, the answer is a play on the picture messaging app “Snapchat”, a miserable tool primarily used by cheaters and those who wish to photograph their faces with so many beautifying filters that they no longer look human.

Day 34

Today calls for Strawberry-Orange, and that means guaranteed back-to-back fruit jokes.

Might be tough to drink through them, but it would be tasty to try. They probably kill significantly less turtles, too.

Who’s this guitarist, the guy from Switchfoot? George Harrison? Elvis? I’m having trouble thinking of people who would think of rock music that would be too hard core, even most Christian bands I can think of aren’t afraid of a little heavy metal now and then. This guy will not make it far in the industry, I’m sorry to say. Also, he’s a wuss who can’t even finish a single apple, which has never meant eating the core unless you’re some kind of psychopath.

Day 35

Cutting out yesterday’s orange and going straight for the strawberry. A sweet alternative to a plastic straw, or so I’ve been told.

Another example of a passable punchline. I rather like this one, though it’s a bit too reminiscent in its cadence of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka’s quip: “The best kind of prize is a surprise!”

Mm technically accurate, enough for the layman anyway. Hey, I’m judging this at 11 PM, I’ll cut it some slack. Not the best wrapper I’ve seen, but certainly not the worst. I give it 12 Oompa Loompas out of 100.

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This has been January 29 – February 4 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.