My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 15 – 21

Day 15

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. More sour apple.

Possibly the laziest and most predictable joke I’ve ever seen. If it was true, also the scariest article of clothing ever conceived as well – always fearing an unexpected left hook straight to the testes just because you want a little more freedom of movement from your underwear is not a worthwhile trade, in my opinion.

What is with this wrapper and both its jokes using the same words in the question that are in the answer? Rookie mistake you wouldn’t catch me making. Amateur hour. Don’t these writers want that fat Wonka money from becoming a permanent Laffy writer?

Day 16

Well it had to be strawberry today. 16th day, 16 taffies divided by 4 possible flavors – now I’ve had 4 of each so far. A nice even spread, but my jaw is not thanking me for not warming up this sludge in the microwave – or a kiln – first.

All right, all right. A milquetoast joke, no comments. Keep it up and I may retain my sanity.

I just had to open my big mouth. This one baffles me like nothing I’ve ever seen. I legitimately cannot comprehend it. Emu + 🙂 = Emoji? Does the “em” of emu carry over to emoji? Then “oji” is a smiley? What kind of phrasing is that question, dude?

Day 17

And back to the sour apple well. It is growing on me – never one of my least liked flavors, but chemical apple isn’t quite as good as chemical cherry or – something I have yet to try for this year – chemical grape.

Another joke as old as the hills, this one is not only overused but it’s also wrong. 2:30 is not nearly as good a time as 9:00 AM, where, if you play it right you can get out of nearly a whole day’s work. The other correct answer would be “ASAP”, as I found to be the case when I had a root explode on a Friday night.

Day 18

Ooey-gooey banana. How I revile thee.

Monkeys. Always banana-themed or banana-adjacent jokes with these writers. It’s bad enough I have to suffer its failed clone of a candy flavor! Their bias is obvious and disgusting. More representation for the other fruits!

This one almost struck a chill in me. Setting aside the pun for a moment, how scary would it be if hurricanes actually did have eyes, and could witness the destruction they wrought? Not to mention seeing giant eyes whirling around the stormy spiral… the stuff of nightmares.

And I thought these were supposed to be jokes!

Day 19

Less than three weeks and I’m already going mad from the small amount of flavors available to me. I honestly think that this experiment will put me off Laffy Taffy – once a favorite candy of mine – forever. Today I’m trying a new flavor, as the lack of flavor diversity has already made me seek alternatives.

Strawberry-Kiwi. A new, fusion-styled bag of taffy. Don’t get too excited, it tasted just like strawberry, maybe a hint of a cheek kiss of artificial kiwi. Well, I tried.

Bananas…. bananas bananas bananas!! Two of them now!! I wouldn’t wear those slippers if my feet were about to freeze off me. Give ’em to Donkey Kong.

Were these misprinted on a strawberry-kiwi wrapper? I feel like these should be on a banana one. Either way, they both pass muster, I guess. Sunday – and sundaes – are some of the best things about life, so I can’t empathize with the banana here. Yes, I know he’s losing his life so it’s a terrible day for him, but we’ve all got our own problems, mate. At least take comfort in the knowledge you won’t have to go to work tomorrow and you’ll feed someone’s sweet tooth. Would that we could all welcome the embrace of the eternal void in such a manner.

Also I will never feel sorry for the slaughter of bananas. They should all go the way of the Gros Michel.

Day 20

And we’re back to cherry. Don’t want to burn through my very small bag of new and intriguing flavors too quickly, right?

I’ve heard of spinning, but I’ve never known what it entailed (outside of what’s in the name, presumably). Fortunately this blog is really a thinly veiled reason for me to learn new things and inflict them on others, so today is the day I find out.

[a minute of Googling later]

It’s literally just indoor cycling. That is wayyyyy less interesting than I thought it would be. It sounded like some kind of yoga, or that striper-adjacent exercise where they twist around on long cloths hanging from the ceiling. Well, not everything in life can be exciting, I suppose.

I’ll never look at trucks the same way again. Sleazy bastards.

Day 21

Couldn’t bring myself to do another regular flavor, so I tried another newbie: Wildberry-Banana. Yes… banana. Fortunately this one tasted more like the wildberry half, so it was more edible than you might think. Sure, wildberry seems to have a lot in common with toxic sugar sludge and blue food coloring, but hey – that’s still better than banana. And it looked kind of cool, so…

Hey, a different fruit! That almost makes up for what is yet another nonsensical joke. There is no inherent relationship between lemons and limes. If this was on a Sprite bottle sure, it might make more sense. How does a lime settle a lemon down? AMATEUR HOUR.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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This has been January 15 – 21 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.