My Slightly Less Than a Year of Laffy Taffy Journey: A Look Back

Well, it’s not how far you make it on a journey that counts, it’s the fun you have along the way, right?

Though I fell short of my goal with this project, it was everything I had hoped it would be. Tearing into terrible jokes, eating lots of sweets, and getting comments from my estranged family… all good times.

As an analytically minded guy, I tracked my progress on a spreadsheet so that I could have a cool recap of my stats at the end of the year. With only 56/365 days completed, it’s far less impressive than it could have been, but I think it’s valuable to share some data points on my stalwart path towards a diabetic coma.

Nevertheless, in the short time that I worked this bit, I came up with a few interesting data points that you might find yourself interested in. Something of a recap of my time spent annihilating my teeth, taste buds, and guts.

Graphic with bold text reading 'FAVORITE FLAVOR' set against a vibrant yellow and blue sunburst background.

The underdog no one saw coming, the clear favorite taffy flavor of mine (calculated by most units consumed) was…. Banana! 13/56, a whopping 23% of my days were spent consuming banana taffy and ridiculing the jokes on their wrappers. I think I was so intent on getting them out of the way early, I failed to consider the consequences of what it would look like if I ended early as well. Oh cherry, I should have appreciated – and consumed – you more.

Colorful background featuring rays of blue and yellow with bold text 'RAREST FLAVOR' in white.

Also not as impactful as it could have been, this title is shared between two flavors. First, the forgettable Mango-Passionfruit flavor from our fusion bag, which somehow only had a few pieces of this and all but one had duplicate jokes. The other of course goes to the singular loooong piece of Mystery taffy, which was not like traditional mystery flavors from my childhood but instead another fusion-type flavor that they just conceal from you. Not as cool, but it was the tastiest piece I ate this whole year.

The true number of duplicates, when counting wrappers with two previously done jokes, was like 80% of my entire stash. This metric only considers wrappers where one joke was a duplicate while the other was fresh. With that criteria, there was still a whopping 3.6% of reused jokes I had to discard for their respective day. 4 of them, to put a precise number on it. Most of them revolving around fruit, and all really bad.

So, so many to choose from. I had to narrow it down a little, but there were three jokes that stood ankles and feet below their peers. In no particular order:

  • How is a USB like an elephant? They both have memory skills.
  • What am I? An emu & smiley face: Emoji
  • Why was the queen antsy? She was the queen of the ants.

Honestly, two of them are so bad that finding a third to put into the running was a little hard. Clearly the antsy queen one, though brutal to read and painful to think about, is not on the level of the other two. It’s basically an anti-joke which gives it some light armor against criticism and it does at least make sense.

The USB one really makes me mad – it hits all the failings of a modern Laffy Taffy joke: unfunny, total lack of understanding of basic computer terminology, and bad grammar. Horrendous, and would easily take the top spot if it weren’t for……

The “Emoji” question. Impossible to be called a joke even sarcastically, I cannot even fathom what the author’s intent was or how it got past Wonka’s famously vicious, attentive, and snobby Witzpolizei. They normally would have shot them on the spot for such a crime. Well, better late than never.

The best of the worst, I suppose, obviously none of these jokes were expected by anyone to be any good, but I must confess there were a few that pleasantly surprised me. For lack of better options, we’ll crown a “king of the trash heap.”

  • What do you get when you mix molten rock and tropical fruit? Hot guava.
  • What do you call a king’s rabbit? The hare to the throne.
  • Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant? She wanted a whittle baby.

Not bad, right? They don’t make my eyes roll all the way back in my head as I convulse and foam at the mouth. Actually, that might be happening because of the pounds and pounds of sugars, dyes, and toxins I’ve passed into my body since beginning this challenge.

Ok, choosing a favorite here is a little harder than picking my most hated, surprisingly enough. Hot guava is ok but easily the least stellar banana in the bunch (see, I can bust out fruit references too). It gets more difficult to crown a winner between the other two – “hare to the throne” is so clever, but “whittle baby” has that whimsical quality that actually makes me smile. But, gun to my head, I’d say the best one is…

Whittle baby! By a hair (haha). It’s a true joke that brings as much delight as the sterile, corporate joke approvers of Wonka could allow. All in all, it goes to show that even among the immense dreck of Laffy Taffy jokes, there are a couple pieces of silver to be found.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. Shorter than I thought it would be but I have no regrets, and my teeth appreciate the mercy. See you around, readers.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 22 – 28

My Year of Laffy Taffy Days 22 - 28

Day 22

Four weeks in! And they said it couldn’t be done. That madness would have consumed me long since. Well, though the last line of my last post might imply otherwise, I’m still sane and still here. As long as the flavor today isn’t…

Banana. Well, that’s one less for future me to consume.

Q: Why do winners always win?

A: Beats me.

And with that mindset, you never will understand. Stay losing, loser.

Q: What moth is really huge?

A: A mam-moth.

Yeah all right, that’s not bad. “really huge” could use a more succinct, descriptive word like “massive” but maybe there’s a strict limit of one multi-syllabic word per joke.

Fun fact: there actually is a type of moth nicknamed the Mammoth Moth – the cecropia moth. As you might have guessed, it’s called that because it’s… “really huge.” And fuzzy. And… cute?

Wingspans of up to 7 inches! credit: Shawn Hanrahan

Day 23

A day like today calls for a new flavor. Let’s see what our fusion taffy bag has for us.

Strawberry-Orange. Not bad, it finally tastes like something truly new – the artificial orange really comes through. When I close my eyes, I’m transported to the laboratory where the tropical fruit flavors are synthesized, basking in the warm glow of the buzzing incandescent lights that illuminate the tasty research being done there. Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass, a test tube falls to the floor. “Doctor!” someone screams. “The subjects are loose!” An assistant trips on the shards of the newly-broken lab equipment, slicing through their boot and lacerating their heel. Blood seeps through the shoe as its owner picks themselves up and runs for the door, but it’s too late. It’s too late for all of them down there, as the lights continue to hum their gentle, dispassionate sound over the chaos unfolding below.

Mmmm. Laffy Taffy – Spreading Joy on Every Wrapper.

Q: What do you get when you mix molten rock and tropical fruit?

A: Hot guava.

This one is pretty good. The answer lines up with the parameters of the question and is a solid pun I haven’t heard before. A pun isn’t really the type of joke that makes me laugh out loud, as it’s a simplistic form of humor that doesn’t really subvert expectations or make you do a double-take, forcing a guffaw or two. I’m not trying to be a joke snob here, though the premise of this series might imply otherwise, I’m just saying – for a pun to make the corners of my mouth twitch, that’s actually an impressive feat. Nice work, mysterious writer.

Q: Which fruit loves acting the most?

A: Passion fruit.

What is with this fusion bag? Every joke has been fruit themed. This one is mediocre – a lot of things can be done with passion, I don’t know why they decided on acting. To be fair, the first few alternatives that come to mind for a change to the joke wouldn’t be G rated so maybe this is for the best after all…

Day 24

I’ve been slacking on the strawberry front, but you can’t really blame me when each one is like biting into a brick. Somehow, as I tentatively nibbled this berry-flavored approximation of a waxy abomination, I was pleasantly surprised to find it was semi-soft. Maybe keeping the house 70+ degrees all winter has finally thawed out the taffy bucket.

Q: What do you call a king’s rabbit?

A: The hare to the throne.

“Thumbs up” – Ebert, 2025

Wow, I do like this one. Makes perfect sense, a good pun… a solid C+ (which for a Laffy Taffy joke is like getting four stars from Roger Ebert, but even better because I’m actually alive and have good taste).

Q: What’s a good spot for a taste bud?

A: I forgot… It’s on the tip of my tongue.

As I read the question I was thinking a good anti-joke would be for the answer to just be “the tongue.” As it stands, that basically is the answer but with a bonus pun to boot. Not a bad wrapper today, perhaps there is value to continuing my life after all.

Day 25

Sour apple, once again. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog Day.

Q: What did the egg say to the frying pan?

A: You crack me up.

I don’t think most people crack the egg on the pan itself, but even if you did smash it against the side of the pan wouldn’t it then be you who technically cracked it? I wouldn’t tell this joke to my dog.

Q: What type of pic do you take with a surfer?

A: A surfie.

Horrendous, but a decent play on words. I wonder if, in the far flung future (assuming we haven’t bombed ourselves into oblivion), no one will remember what the word “selfie” means?

Day 26

Once again, a strawberry that’s softer than average. Still not the toothpaste-consistency of cherry, but we’re getting there.

Q: What type of turtle likes things fast?

A: The snappy kind.

A banal, bland buffoonery. I don’t even have anything to say about this one, you already know it’s not good. If you think it is, perhaps I could recommend you this book.

Q: What nut has water when you crack it open?

A: A coconut.

Fun fact – I read on Wikipedia that coconut water has allegedly been used in parts of India to kill the elderly. “In this custom, the elderly person is made to drink an excessive amount of coconut water, eventually resulting in fever and death, the exact causes of which have not been determined.” Personally, having to drink or taste coconut in any form would kill me as well, because it sucks.

Day 27

It’s banana, but Wildberry-Banana. So not as bad. Fruit themed jokes? You know it. Now, due to an absolutely crazy coincidence I’m afraid you only get one joke today. Why? Well, against all odds (or at least some of them), the second joke on this wrapper was, word for word, Day 26’s coconut joke. A reused joke isn’t too unlikely, but for it to be on a wrapper from an entirely different bag of flavors, and for me to have read it just the day before – well, that’s just strange I tell you!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A: Blood orange.

Yeah, I mean I guess. Another fruit I’ll let go without a fight, they’re a little too tart for me. Too much blood, not enough orange. Now we know what Nosferatu was snacking on in that coffin for a few hundred years.

Nosferatu (2024) shadow hand looming over German town
He’s just reaching for his blood oranges, definitely not Johnny Depp’s daughter

Day 28

At last, Mango-Passionfruit. The final untasted flavor I have in my possession – so far. I imagine over the course of this year a sub-goal of my writing project will be to try the most exotic Laffy Taffy flavors ever made – just to reduce some of the monotony. Even the ill-fated chocolate flavor, one of the most abhorrent Wonka spawns ever made.

Anyway, of course there’s a rock hard flavor in this pack too. There must always be one, I suppose. Eating this was a near impossibility and after finally finishing it, I can tell you the juice was not worth the squeeze. A shame, considering it was the only one that didn’t incorporate one of the standard flavors in it. It tasted like a strange, fake pineapple. One of those dum-dums you get at a hairdressers or your grandmothers. Just as brittle too.

Q: Did you hear about the dried grapes?

A: We’ve been raisin awareness.

Alzheimer’s, breast cancer, Parkinson’s – nah, we don’t care about those. Our mission is to raise awareness for raisins. Just where does this self-righteous author get off? They really think dried grapes need any more press?? Sun-Maid has been doing the heavy lifting on that front for over 100 years!! Get yourself to a worthy cause, raisin apologist.

Q: Where do grapes, strawberries, and peaches hang out?

A: Jam sessions.

I’m slightly more of a jelly guy, but jam can hit the spot on the right edible medium. A nice warm scone, perhaps. This joke is fine, the bar is low – I was surprised that none of the fruits listed were ones that couldn’t be jammed. It would probably have actually made me laugh to see something like coconut in it though, and Wonka can’t have my non-laughing streak broken… but maybe there’s hope for me next week?


This has been January 22 – 28 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 15 – 21

My year of laffy taffy thumbnail - days 15 - 21

Day 15

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. More sour apple.

Q: What type of brief packs a punch?

A: A boxer brief.

Possibly the laziest and most predictable joke I’ve ever seen. If it was true, also the scariest article of clothing ever conceived as well – always fearing an unexpected left hook straight to the testes just because you want a little more freedom of movement from your underwear is not a worthwhile trade, in my opinion.

Q: How does a cyclist train for a race?

A: He recycles.

What is with this wrapper and both its jokes using the same words in the question that are in the answer? Rookie mistake you wouldn’t catch me making. Amateur hour. Don’t these writers want that fat Wonka money from becoming a permanent Laffy writer?

Day 16

Well it had to be strawberry today. 16th day, 16 taffies divided by 4 possible flavors – now I’ve had 4 of each so far. A nice even spread, but my jaw is not thanking me for not warming up this sludge in the microwave – or a kiln – first.

Q: What did the plate say to the cup?

A: Looks like dinner is on me.

All right, all right. A milquetoast joke, no comments. Keep it up and I may retain my sanity.

Q: What am I? An emu & smiley face:

A: Emoji

I just had to open my big mouth. This one baffles me like nothing I’ve ever seen. I legitimately cannot comprehend it. Emu + 🙂 = Emoji? Does the “em” of emu carry over to emoji? Then “oji” is a smiley? What kind of phrasing is that question, dude?

Day 17

And back to the sour apple well. It is growing on me – never one of my least liked flavors, but chemical apple isn’t quite as good as chemical cherry or – something I have yet to try for this year – chemical grape.

Q: When’s the best time to visit the dentist?

A: Tooth-hurty

Another joke as old as the hills, this one is not only overused but it’s also wrong. 2:30 is not nearly as good a time as 9:00 AM, where, if you play it right you can get out of nearly a whole day’s work. The other correct answer would be “ASAP”, as I found to be the case when I had a root explode on a Friday night.

Q: How do camels blend in?

A: Camel-flage

It is... acceptable

Day 18

Ooey-gooey banana. How I revile thee.

Q: What type of store do apes own?

A: A monkey business.

Monkeys. Always banana-themed or banana-adjacent jokes with these writers. It’s bad enough I have to suffer its failed clone of a candy flavor! Their bias is obvious and disgusting. More representation for the other fruits!

Q: How can hurricanes see?

A: They have eyes.

This one almost struck a chill in me. Setting aside the pun for a moment, how scary would it be if hurricanes actually did have eyes, and could witness the destruction they wrought? Not to mention seeing giant eyes whirling around the stormy spiral… the stuff of nightmares.

And I thought these were supposed to be jokes!

Day 19

Less than three weeks and I’m already going mad from the small amount of flavors available to me. I honestly think that this experiment will put me off Laffy Taffy – once a favorite candy of mine – forever. Today I’m trying a new flavor, as the lack of flavor diversity has already made me seek alternatives.

Strawberry-Kiwi. A new, fusion-styled bag of taffy. Don’t get too excited, it tasted just like strawberry, maybe a hint of a cheek kiss of artificial kiwi. Well, I tried.

Q: What do you call two bananas?

A: A pair of slippers.

Bananas…. bananas bananas bananas!! Two of them now!! I wouldn’t wear those slippers if my feet were about to freeze off me. Give ’em to Donkey Kong.

banana

Q: Why was the banana having a bad day?

A: It was a sundae.

Were these misprinted on a strawberry-kiwi wrapper? I feel like these should be on a banana one. Either way, they both pass muster, I guess. Sunday – and sundaes – are some of the best things about life, so I can’t empathize with the banana here. Yes, I know he’s losing his life so it’s a terrible day for him, but we’ve all got our own problems, mate. At least take comfort in the knowledge you won’t have to go to work tomorrow and you’ll feed someone’s sweet tooth. Would that we could all welcome the embrace of the eternal void in such a manner.

Also I will never feel sorry for the slaughter of bananas. They should all go the way of the Gros Michel.

Day 20

And we’re back to cherry. Don’t want to burn through my very small bag of new and intriguing flavors too quickly, right?

Q: What’s a dryer’s favorite exercise?

A: Spinning

I’ve heard of spinning, but I’ve never known what it entailed (outside of what’s in the name, presumably). Fortunately this blog is really a thinly veiled reason for me to learn new things and inflict them on others, so today is the day I find out.

[a minute of Googling later]

It’s literally just indoor cycling. That is wayyyyy less interesting than I thought it would be. It sounded like some kind of yoga, or that striper-adjacent exercise where they twist around on long cloths hanging from the ceiling. Well, not everything in life can be exciting, I suppose.

Q: What type of truck is never lonely?

A: A pick-up truck.

I’ll never look at trucks the same way again. Sleazy bastards.

Day 21

Couldn’t bring myself to do another regular flavor, so I tried another newbie: Wildberry-Banana. Yes… banana. Fortunately this one tasted more like the wildberry half, so it was more edible than you might think. Sure, wildberry seems to have a lot in common with toxic sugar sludge and blue food coloring, but hey – that’s still better than banana. And it looked kind of cool, so…

Q: Why was the lemon acting up?

A: Because it was out of lime.

Hey, a different fruit! That almost makes up for what is yet another nonsensical joke. There is no inherent relationship between lemons and limes. If this was on a Sprite bottle sure, it might make more sense. How does a lime settle a lemon down? AMATEUR HOUR.

Q: Why do bananas like gymnastics?

A: They like to make splits.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


This has been January 15 – 21 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

FFITHW: How to English Good

How often do you think about adjectives? All the time? Every day? Do you love them? Do you dream about big red unusual German fluffy adjectives?

bigredfluffyadjective

Trick question: you can’t. However, you can dream about unusually big fluffy red German adjectives. I suppose. I don’t know how, but…

Anyway, an interesting thing I recently learned is that in the English language, word order matters. Okay, I didn’t just learn that, it’s fairly obvious and something we all know. But were you aware that when describing an object using two or more adjectives, those adjectives have a preordained order that you must use them in?

Well, you might have known that. I didn’t. It’s something that we probably all understand subconsciously; take the sentence in the first paragraph. Does it sound right when you say it out loud? Probably not. The second paragraph just flows so much better, and it’s easier to understand the properties of the adjective. If an adjective could be fluffy, or German.

So what is this all-important word order? Well, to quote the Cambridge Dictionary website, “Adjectives which describe opinions or attitudes usually come first, before more neutral, factual ones.”  Specifically, the order goes like this:

  1. Opinion (adorable, strange)
  2. Size (small, massive)
  3. Physical Quality (fluffy, squishy, rubbery)
  4. Shape (square, boxy, oblong)
  5. Age (young, youthful, elderly)
  6. Color (red, blue, monochromatic)
  7. Origin (German, Finnish)
  8. Material (stone, brick, gelatin)
  9. Type (three-cornered, general-purpose)
  10. Purpose (cooking, building, washing)

Try it yourself, make up a sentence with lots of adjectives and then see if you instinctively got them in the right order. You probably did, without having to think too hard. This rule can be shaken up if you want to emphasize one particular adjective over another, in which case you’d put it right before the noun. Otherwise, this is how you’d put the descriptive sentence together.

Now you’re an adjective master! …Maybe.

Unborn Beginnings

The Seven

It’s no surprise, I like to write. I’m always looking for new ways to spark my creativity and write new and epic things. A creative writing exercise that I find entertaining to engage in from time to time is to try to compose interesting, random story beginnings as quickly as possible. Usually they’re just a paragraph or two, just to see what my fingers write down. I don’t revise or plan them out (much), that would defeat the purpose of the exercise. It’s a neat little diversion to get my writing juices flowing, and to demonstrate this I’ve written a few of them in about an hour, for your reading pleasure, and they seem to have taken a life of their own. Slightly disturbing and sometimes macabre, true, but they were the ones that fought their way out of my fingers.

Ironthroat~1~

It all started with a name. A name that will forevermore send chills running down my back like rats from a burning building. A name that can turn my legs to jelly and my heart to jam, ready to be spread out on two pieces of bread like a fear sandwich. A name that I never want to hear or see again. And yet it echoes in my thoughts and reverberates in my mind until speak it I must, or else I go mad.

Ironthroat.

Perhaps I’m mad anyway. But it truly is a terrifying name. A name that signifies… Well, let me tell you exactly what it signifies.

The Aurus~2~

Rain tickled the back of Her neck as She ran, sliding down Her collar and soaking Her shirt. The cold set in immediately, but She was far too busy to worry about such things. After all, within two hours She’d be out of the country in an entirely new, warm set of clothes, while Her old ones would be carefully discarded in a nearby house fire. One that hadn’t been set yet, of course. House fires aren’t much good if the owners aren’t inside, and She very much wanted to be sure these particular owners were inside.

Few knew Her, and even fewer knew to never speak Her name, real or false. La Mujer Serpiente was Her identity in this corner of the globe if it had to be mentioned at all, and it suited Her well. The Snake Woman. She’d picked it Herself, remaining faceless as whispers of Her coming had spread to every corner of the continent in the surprisingly short time it takes a plane leaving Brussels to arrive in Rio de Janeiro, give or take a handful of hours. Of course, that’s not where She was at the moment. Always good policy to spread disinformation and fear among those who wish you dead, or cross themselves when they hear your name. Especially among those people.

Coppersight~3~

“You can’t do this to me! I have rights!”

I turned my head slightly to the left, to better catch the faint voice of the shouting man six floors above my hotel room. Momentarily distracted, I gazed out over the patio railing at the spectacular ocean sunset. One of my favorite parts of visiting the H.M. headquarters in sunny California.

“I paid good money for this room. You can’t… you can’t just toss me out!”

I turn back to my guest. Resident disputes with hotel security always end in the same, uninteresting outcome. I’ve never seen the staff lose yet, and when you know how a fight is going to end, it ceases to have meaning. It’s merely a play, a boring facade of originality. The woman sitting across from me, however. Now that I found very interesting. Despite my never having seen her before, the powers that be had declared her to be this year’s project manager. Considering the highly temperamental, some might say volatile nature of our projects, it was no small surprise to find out they were bringing in an outsider to head up the team assigned our very unique duties.

“I’m sure you must have a lot of questions. Never fear. I’ll answer all of them in due time, Mr.-” She fished for my name in such a pathetic attempt to catch me off guard it almost made me laugh. Something stopped me. Perhaps it was the deadly way she almost breathed the words, like a hiss of something creeping up behind you in the dark…

“It’s Coppersight, as you well know. A title I’ve earned over many years. Sadly the same can’t be said for you, Aurus.”

Fleetfinger~4~

The sun set hours ago. The park emptied long before that. The shape saw it all. It had been on the bench since what seemed time immemorial, watching the families frolic and pretend that it was not there to watch their every move. But it was. And it watched. It watched everything. And after it had watched everything the city had to offer-

It watched some more. This was not an accident. It was by design.

Even when the street lamp gave out and no illumination could be found for a good two hundred meters from the bench where the shape lay, it watched. And continued to do so, even as the sun broke the horizon and appeared above the city’s vast imposing skyline, beginning another day in the endless march of days.

If any of the numerous passersby knew that it was watching, they might have wondered what it was looking for. And the answer would have been:

Nothing. This was not unintentional. It was by design.

Watching isn’t the same as looking. Looking has a purpose, a destination. Watching, on the other hand, has a considerably less urgent objective. Time slows to a crawl when one watches, with no sense of needing to rush, while it spites those who seek for something.

Unfortunate for those who spend their time looking, but convenient for the shape on the Mill Springs City Park bench, which finally, slowly, purposefully moved at 7:33:46 AM. This was by design.

Silvertail~5~

They were late. This was normal. In fact, it was necessary. Each of them had to arrive between an hour and two hours late, otherwise… there would be consequences. Except for him of course. He had been early. He was always early, not that any of them would ever know that. They followed the Rules, and were far too trusting of them and the security they promised. He, on the other hand, knew better. After all, he had written them.

He fiddled with the shiny, ornate ring on his finger. It was the only piece of jewelry or any other kind of ornamentation to be found on his person, but it was highly ostentatious to compensate. An extremely detailed silver band with minute carvings on the outside and interior, it had cost several fortunes in its making. Three triangle-cut sapphires could be found on three different sections of the ring, each equidistant from the others. The engravings were too small to be read by the naked eye, but it did not matter to its owner. He knew every word they contained, for they were the Rules. And he never forgot the Rules.

Leadsmith~6~

He died well. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, “Please… please, I need to live.”

The line from the film he had watched the day before with his children rose to his mind unbidden, demonstrating how ironic the brain can be when faced with its final moments. Had he been given the chance, he wouldn’t have even said those words. There would have been no point. When the Golden Serpent came calling, you didn’t waste time with threats or pleas. They all ended the same way- unpleasantly for you.

It was the “please” that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him here. “True Love”, he replied.

The quote continued to run through his mind, even as he heard his wife wake up behind him. He felt her struggle against the ropes that bound their chair backs to each other, before she realized what had happened and began to cry, silently, the quivering of her shoulders betraying her emotions. Yes, he loved her more than anything he had ever known, more so than even his own children. He loved them as well, but even though he would move mountains- no, the world for them, nothing could compare to the love he held for her. The love that had put them in this very situation.

He knew what had happened to his son (George, age 12), as well as his two daughters (Serra, age 9, and Juniper, age 5) even as he looked up at the wall facing him. The pair of paintings his wife had picked up for a song at the flea market they visited during their fifth anniversary were in shreds on the floor. In their place was a message. A message written in crimson drips, smeared onto the pale yellow drywall by a petite yet deadly hand.

You could have done better. Farewell, Leadsmith.

It had taken quite a bit of the makeshift red ink to compose the message, and strangely enough, he was certain he knew precisely how many pints of the material had been used. And with the same complete certainty, he also knew that neither he nor his wife was bleeding.

A glow cast his shadow onto the wall as the flames began to devour everything he ever valued on the earth.

Tinker~7~

The Tinker. The name needed no explaining. An uncertified demolitions expert in 23 countries (and rising), her skill with explosives and other entertaining substances had, unlike her, left their mark on landmarks and moguls’ wallets alike. Her precise identity: Unknown. Her reputation: Feared. Her location:

It was raining. She loved rain. As a child she had lived for rainy days. There were so many things you could do on rainy days, and the downpour just made everything so much better. She treated each rainy day as a holiday, a vacation from her dreary, plain existence in the sun. On the days when especially powerful and noisy thunderstorms reared their majestic grey heads, she liked to spend her time on the couch that lived on the front porch, reading one of the many books that traveled with her everywhere. On days where the rain was so heavy that it seemed like every drop was made of iron, she liked nothing better than to dance and spin in the largest puddles she could find, providing no end of amusements to herself or aggravation to her father, who spent most of his time cleaning up after her glad gloomy excavations into the muddy countryside. She always thanked him for his troubles, giving him a kiss and running away before he could scoop her up into his great arms and tickle her until she begged for mercy. Of course he would always chase her. Of course, she would always let him catch her- eventually.

This rain was different than those of her childhood. It had a somber quality to it, and a musty smell lingered in the air that reminded her of a home long lost to time. She shuddered. Not lost enough, not yet. But soon-

A hand gripped her shoulder. She turned, and gazed with some amusement at the bespectacled face peering at her. It was a deceptively cheerful face, full of deception in general. It was a face that should be trusted under no circumstances, and yet she had no choice but to trust it. A very perplexing quandary, she noted, but all of her quandaries were perplexing these days. Nothing unusual about it.

“It’s time to go,” the man in the bronze-colored glasses said. “We’re over an hour late.”