laffy taffy – Cineri Gloria Sera Venit

Day 43

A soft start to this week with some banana. Good to get my daily serving of fruit in.

Q: Why did the candle get a round of applause?

A: It was scent-sational.

Ahh, scented candles. I recently purchased a neat candle warmer resembling those vintage flower lamps that are making a comeback these days, and it’s not only pretty but also a superior melting method than actually lighting the wick. A nice even melt that really gets the most out of the candle’s aroma.

This joke isn’t bad either.

Q: What can you catch but not throw?

A: Your breath.

And here I thought the joke would be “a cold”. Pretty sure that’s the original answer. I wonder how many other good responses there are to this? “Feelings” is another good one.

Day 44

Strawberry, my old friend. We’ll see who prevails at the end of the year – you, or my teeth.

Q: What do mad bees scream out?

A: Buzz off!

This is a scary thought. One made scarier by the fact that the first image that pops into my head when reading this joke is Seinfeld in The Bee Movie, a D-tier animated romp that I fortunately haven’t seen in totality but its prevalence in internet meme culture has nonetheless forced me to be intimately familiar with.

Q: What kind of room unites people?

A: A chat room.

Okay, the author of this joke has definitely never been in a chatroom. Sure, taken at face value maybe their joke is correct on a literal level, but never have I seen the human divide more clearly than in internet forums, chatrooms, and comment sections. United they are not!

Day 45

Blue raspberry! I was just taking a short break from it, but I’m back. I’m not huge on the flavor in most candies, but it’s pleasantly mild and surprisingly not very tart in its taffy form.

Q: How does a baby search the internet?

A: It ooo-gles it.

Bit of a head scratcher. “ooo-gles” it looks more like ogles, and nothing is less funny than a lecherous baby. Is “ooogle” a sound babies make? I’m familiar with “goo goo ga ga” and it’s noisier cousin “WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH” but ooogle I have not heard.

Also babies can’t use computers. C’mon, Wonka, this is embarrassing.

Q: What did the bee whisper to his honey?

A: Sweet nothings.

Schizophrenic bee whispering to the inanimate, non-living food it spends its whole life producing. Just put the hunny in the pot, little bro, don’t be having a mental break about it or imagine a romantic connection where none exists.

Day 46

Sour apple! Been a minute since the last one of these, I believe it was on… oh, Day 37. Of course, I may have snuck some extras that had duplicate jokes on them, but who’s counting…

Q: What’s a school of peas?

A: A peapod.

Questionable setup. Why a school and not something that would take advantage of the word “pod”? Or is pod shorthand for school? I doubt it. Absolute F-tier joke, because they also use the word pod in the question and the answer. Failure.

Q: How does the sun and moon play hide and seek?

A: An eclipse.

At first this joke enraged me mightily, but then a way for the author to escape the death sentence did occur to me. Obviously it doesn’t seem to make sense because of all the celestial events this writer could have picked, an eclipse is specifically the one time that the sun and moon will never be hiding from each other. The thing that makes the eclipse an eclipse is that there is nothing between the two, not even the Earth.

Howwwwever, the question doesn’t explicitly state it’s the sun and moon playing only with each other. The Earth could be included in the game, in which case the sun could partake in hiding from us, for a brief moment. Not the moon though. Joke still sucks. This wrapper shall be burned and stricken from the historical record.

Day 47

It’s not looking good for this series, folks. I ventured out to buy some new Laffy Taffy, as I’ve found an overwhelming number of duplicate jokes already in my original tub of 145, as well as the other bags I’ve acquired. I’m starting to think there isn’t enough content to carry me through 365 days. I’ll persevere as long as I can, of course, but finding a duplicate on the wrapper of an entirely different type of taffy, as well as it being a different flavor, doesn’t inspire confidence.

Today’s flavor is Mystery, specifically a mystery swirl of two flavors. Well, on opening it I can’t say it’s that much of a mystery. Can you guess what one of the flavors is?

Spoiled surprise aside, the apple-grape blend was actually really good. I somehow haven’t been able to find grape taffy yet even though I’m pretty sure it was one of the most common flavors during my whole lifetime of eating it. I think they swapped it out for strawberry.

The first joke was the “hurricanes have eyes” classic from day 18. Let’s hope #2 is better, and not like… #2.

How did the bananamobile escape?

It peeled out.

I’m shocked that it wasn’t some pun based on the splits. For that reason – and that alone – it scrapes by with a pass.

Day 48

More banana. To the average blog passerby, it would be forgiven if they thought that banana was my favorite flavor. The true devotees know the truth, however: I’m just a masochist.

Where are average things made?

The satisfactory.

What? If I’m satisfied with something, I feel like I’d consider it better than “average”. Based on the standard they seem to let writers get away with these days, I feel like it would have made more sense to commit that vile sin of using the same word in question and answer, and have the question be “Where are satisfying things made?” Atrocious, but it would somehow be better than whatever this was.

Where do ghosts go shopping?

A boo-tique.

Okay this one redeems the wrapper. That was a close one, it was almost time for another writer guillotining.

Day 49

Finally, made it to the end of another week. Sorry for the late publish on this one, sometimes it’s a struggle just livin’, you know? I’m sure these jokes will make everything better…

What can make splits with no legs?

A banana.

THERE IT IS. Can’t go a week without a stupid banana split pun can we?

What can you call a car that never stops?

Cargo

Maybe, maybe if you’re a caveman? Or have an IQ of 6, the same as the writer of this joke. Vile, atrocious, hateful words. This made a blood vessel in my head twitch. Probably the worst wrapper I’ve seen yet. Laffy Taffy always finds a way to hit rock bottom and then dig several feet deeper.

Nevertheless, it’s been a pleasure like always. Thanks for joining me on this traversal of jokeland.

This has been February 12 – 18 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

Day 36

Strrrawberry-Kiwi. Hard as a rock, about as tasty as one. Nearing the end of this bag of fusions, I don’t think I’ll get another, even though the fruit-themed jokes have been interesting. It would be cool if other flavor sets had consistent themes to them, other than the them they all seem to share of sucking.

Q: How do you make a strawberry turnover?

A: Push it down a mountain.

Attempted murder? The first thing I see for this week? And it’s the punchline in a joke? For shame, Wonka.

Q: What do you do if you see a blue mango?

A:Try to cheer it up.

Y’know, it shows my lack of fruitical knowledge that when I read this, I wasn’t even sure if there was such a thing as a blue mango. But upon googling it, I found that not only are they a rare Indonesian variety, but you can also buy them from the same IndiaMART that sells that strange laptop costume from last week’s Taffypost. the more you know.

Day 37

Sour apple – soft, chemical, you know the drill. It would probably be the second-worst of these three flavors if Strawberry wasn’t so miserably hard to chew most of the time.

Alas, we ran into another half-duplicate today. The first was a repeat of our lovely vampiric blood orange joke, which you know I loved reading again. As long as one of the jokes isn’t a repeat, I’ll use a wrapper.

Q: Where should you never take dogs shopping?

A: The flea market.

An acceptable answer would also have been “anywhere.” Controversial opinion of mine perhaps, but anywhere I’m going shopping, I don’t want to see dogs. Or poorly-behaved children, who are much the same thing.

Day 38

Trying to thin out my Banana hoard but somehow it’s not working – as of today I’ve had 9 of them, more than any other flavor, and yet they continue to multiply like rabbits… or viruses.

Q: Why do phones ring?

A: Because they can’t speak.

I suppose this could be, but what is speech but a way of vibrating sound waves in such a manner that another individual can understand you? If that’s the case, then when you’re talking to another person over the phone, the phone’s components are the ones manipulating the sound waves to create intelligible speech. Perhaps there was never another person on the line at all. Perhaps the phone has learned how to mimic your friend’s voice and is now trying to convince you to come to a remote location to pick him up from his broken-down car…..

Q: How do cows communicate?

A: They have mooo-biles.

A joke my father would appreciate, considering he is part cow (true!) and also comes from a generation that might have called a cell phone a “mobile”.

Day 39

Hmm, cherry or strawberry… let’s do cherry, I want to keep my teeth intact today.

Q: What’s the best smelling insect?

A: Deodor-ant

Killing a large group of ants does emit a curious odor, one I would say is not even close to the best an insect can smell. That said, the bar is fairly low. Maybe I just haven’t come across this “deodor” variety, but I highly doubt it’s better than their more common cousins that plague my yard.

Q: Why was the queen antsy?

A: She was the queen of the ants.

What’s with the ant focus? Not something I want to think about when eating sugary sustenance. Vile insects. Also that almost distracted me from the fact that this two liner breaks the cardinal rule of this type of jape – it has both key words of the punchline in the question! Literally “Why queen antsy? Because queen ant.” Seriously?

Day 40

Well well well, a kind benefactor graced me with a package delivered today, and what do I find but a bag of a hitherto unexplored flavor. Blue Raspberry! Something new to track on my flavor spreadsheet (yes, juicy data recorded throughout the year to make charts out of, my favorite). Thank you, nice try

blue raspberry laffy taffy — This, but like a lot more

Q: What kind of time doesn’t need a clock?

A: Face to face time.

Well I find this highly amusing, but not for the reason the author intended (maybe?). Any time spent with a clock is face-to-face time. And time in general doesn’t need a clock – though we could really get into the philosophical weeds here, debating whether time exists if there’s no one to measure it. I’d rather not though, and just give this “joke” a failing grade. Don’t see me after class.

Q: What will a chatty caterpillar become?

A: A social butterfly.

Okay, pretty decent. A little alliteration, appropriate synonym mixing, solid punnage – definitely not the worst Wonka has offered me.

Day 41

I feel the only way to honor the previous day’s gift appropriately is to finish out the week strong – all blue, baby. Blue Raspberry that is.

Q: How does a tree go home when ready?

A: It leaves.

Sadly, it seems as though these were manufactured at the same time as my main bucket – there is a repeat joke on this wrapper. It’s the bananas liking splits one we debunked earlier. Sickening. I’m starting to fear that there may not be enough jokes to carry 365 days – crazy considering they’ve been making these since the eighties. I might have to go on eBay to find vintage flavors – clearly I haven’t endangered myself enough yet, time to find out if Laffy Taffy can expire.

Day 42

Dwight from The Office saying "Seems like you already know" — That’s right, more Blue Raspberry

Q: How do birds chat with each other?

A: Tweets

Respect to Wonka for not caving to president Musk’s Twitter/Tweet renaming. For that alone, this gets a pass. Also, it’s factually true!

^{(Yes, I know this wrapper may very well have been printed pre-2023)}

Q: Why did the imaginary woman wear lipstick?

A: She was made up.

My girlfriend circa 2012. ^{ba dum tss}

It’s been a pleasure, reader(s). See you next week.

This has been February 5 – 11 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

Tag: laffy taffy

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 43 – 49

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 36 – 42