Tag: jokes

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 50 – 56: The Finale

~ Ross ~ 2 Comments

The End

Well I made it 50+ days in, not bad! 13.6% of the way to the end. Sadly, it looks like this will be the final YoLT post – now maybe more appropriately named Two Months of Laffy Taffy. It was fun, but the content just isn’t there. After this post I have like a week’s worth of usable wrappers left, and even if I went down to eating a piece of LT a day, splitting a joke wrapper across two days, I don’t think I could eke out more than another couple weeks.

Also, I’ve been devastatingly sick for the past two weeks and the thought of eating more Laffy Taffy during those days made me feel even worse. So I didn’t. And it made me feel slightly better. So, like all good things, I think it must end. Not a full year like I planned, but I’m at least glad to have enjoyed attempting something that I’ve thought about doing for many years. Thanks for going on the journey with me, and I hope you get some final entertainment out of the following final reports.

Day 50

Today’s flavor is brought to you by cherry. Haven’t had it for a minute and I must have the Mandate of Heaven today, because the first one I picked wasn’t a duplicate wrapper.

Q: What type of fly loves bread?

A: Butterfly

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

I like how this one is just “butterfly.” Not “A butterfly” like usual. reminiscent of yesterday’s caveman joke – maybe he got hired by Wonka after his failed attempt to turn his car insurance rep career into a sitcom one, and is writing their joke wrappers. That would make a lot of sense, really. More than most of these jokes do, anyway.

Q: What bow cannot be tied?

A: A rainbow.

Also a regular bow, if we’re talking knots, or a crossbow. Or an elbow. Or… rochambeau. No? Too many linguistic liberties with that one? Ah, well maybe you’re just a Philistine.

Day 51

It’s been a minute since I’ve gone back to the blue raspberry well. But ol’ reliable keeps serving me up the soft sweet stuff with a new joke to “enjoy.”

Q: Why was the gift late to the party?

A: It was all wrapped up.

Not bad on the face of it, though “wrapped up” isn’t a phrase typically chosen for that action – I believe “tied up” is the more appropriate expression. That being said, a minor quibble as it still works, and “tied up” would be better used as a punchline if the gift was some bondage type gift – maybe a joke better saved for Laffy Taffy After Dark flavors, marketed towards the edgy 16+ audience.

Q: What type of bow loves water?

No way, not two days in a row.

A: A rainbow.

What are the odds? I guess not bad considering the themes of every wrapper seem to revolve around fruit (especially bananas), computers, 19th century riddles, and rainbows.

I see where they were going with this one and I’ll accept that the premise makes sense, but it’s a strictly inferior rainbow joke to the one we read yesterday, so to the incinerator it goes.

Day 52

Tiring of duplicates, I went through my various bags to eliminate them once and for all. unfortunately, that meant I had to get rid of over 80% of my current stash. This is the point I realized that at this rate, I’d be out of content in two weeks. It’s not even something that can be solved by just buying more, as all currently produced taffy seems to have the same jokes on the wrappers. Ah well.

Today is banana, and this flavor and blue raspberry constitute the majority of non-duplicate jokes, so we’ll be seeing a lot more of these this and next week.

Q: What type of bug has good etiquette?

A: A ladybug.

Would have used “insect” instead of “bug”, but it’s a charming little joke. I do like ladybugs.

Q: What do you call a lazy bull?

A: A bulldozer.

Not as charming. Perhaps “bovine” instead of “bull” for this one. Lazy writing, lazy wrapper, lazy flavor. Not a lot of good content today. Exactly what I’ve come to expect from the most reprehensible of flavors.

Day 53

Blue raspberry. I think they’re calcifying or something, each one has been tougher to chew than the last. That or the sugar is rotting my teeth so fast that they’re now soft, like noodles.

Q: What type of data has a band?

A: Gig-abyte

This joke would have been way better if the question was something like: “What did the programmer name his band?” A gigabyte isn’t a type of data, it’s a capacity measurement, and the query just sounds weird that way. If you can make it into a real world situation, do so, it’s funnier that way. “Data” doesn’t have bands and even with the willing suspension of disbelief we have to do in jokeland, it’s still a bad example of one.

Q: Why did the PC go to the doc?

A: It had a virus.

I wonder if the two jokes are intentionally made to have similar themes sometimes. Looks like it’s a computer-related wrapper duo today. This one at least makes sense, as it’s a common problem PCs have. Sadly, making sense will not save the writer from the gallows, since the joke is still bad.

Day 54

Banana banana, I won’t be sorry to see the last of you.

Q: How do potatoes resolve fights?

A: They hash it out.

I won’t be caught twice, now at least the hash part makes sense. It’s funny, I’ve had hash browns my whole life but thinking of the word “hash” all by itself does not make me think of potatoes. Something more… narcotic-y.

Q: When can peanuts laugh?

A: When you crack them up.

Mm, you crack the peanut shell, not really the peanut itself. Maybe it should be walnuts as the nut of choice. Or maybe the writer should never have been born. One of those things for sure.

Day 55

Blue raspberry, the last bite I’ll have of it in the name of this jester’s campaign. They seem to be getting harder and harder, though still nothing like the feeling of biting the curb that cherry gives me.

Q: How does the beach greet you?

A: With waves.

The beach hasn’t greeted me in years. As a father to young children, I don’t dare take them on a long trip to somewhere that exotic. Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten what the open ocean looks like…

Q: How does the moon cut its hair?

A: Eclipse it.

I kind of like this one, due to my fondness for the moon, though it makes an interesting departure from thousands of years of human tradition by implying the moon is a man. ” ‘e clips it” is “he clips it,” I assume? Doesn’t quite sit right with me, I dunno – call me old fashioned.

Day 56

Well this is it. Last one. Over so soon, it’s a bittersweet Sour Apple that I chew for my final bite.

Q: What type of load only rises?

A: An upload.

Definitely not the only type, and just because the word “up” is in “upload” doesn’t mean it’s literally rising into the air, or even vertically.

Why did the phones break up?

A: Because they wanted to go wireless.

Fitting the final joke is also a near duplicate of one we’ve seen before. It’s the same reason the cable got sad – apparently going wireless causes a lot of relationship problems. And really, that’s kind of an allegory for society… wait, have these jokes been deep, philosophical ones all along? Have I been the out-of-touch fool who doesn’t get earnest, salt-of-the-Earth humor?

Nah.

Peace out

This has been February 19 – 25 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the entirety of its 56 day run in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 36 – 42

~ Ross ~ 2 Comments

Day 36

Strrrawberry-Kiwi. Hard as a rock, about as tasty as one. Nearing the end of this bag of fusions, I don’t think I’ll get another, even though the fruit-themed jokes have been interesting. It would be cool if other flavor sets had consistent themes to them, other than the them they all seem to share of sucking.

Q: How do you make a strawberry turnover?

A: Push it down a mountain.

Attempted murder? The first thing I see for this week? And it’s the punchline in a joke? For shame, Wonka.

Q: What do you do if you see a blue mango?

A:Try to cheer it up.

Y’know, it shows my lack of fruitical knowledge that when I read this, I wasn’t even sure if there was such a thing as a blue mango. But upon googling it, I found that not only are they a rare Indonesian variety, but you can also buy them from the same IndiaMART that sells that strange laptop costume from last week’s Taffypost. the more you know.

Day 37

Sour apple – soft, chemical, you know the drill. It would probably be the second-worst of these three flavors if Strawberry wasn’t so miserably hard to chew most of the time.

Alas, we ran into another half-duplicate today. The first was a repeat of our lovely vampiric blood orange joke, which you know I loved reading again. As long as one of the jokes isn’t a repeat, I’ll use a wrapper.

Q: Where should you never take dogs shopping?

A: The flea market.

An acceptable answer would also have been “anywhere.” Controversial opinion of mine perhaps, but anywhere I’m going shopping, I don’t want to see dogs. Or poorly-behaved children, who are much the same thing.

Day 38

Trying to thin out my Banana hoard but somehow it’s not working – as of today I’ve had 9 of them, more than any other flavor, and yet they continue to multiply like rabbits… or viruses.

Q: Why do phones ring?

A: Because they can’t speak.

I suppose this could be, but what is speech but a way of vibrating sound waves in such a manner that another individual can understand you? If that’s the case, then when you’re talking to another person over the phone, the phone’s components are the ones manipulating the sound waves to create intelligible speech. Perhaps there was never another person on the line at all. Perhaps the phone has learned how to mimic your friend’s voice and is now trying to convince you to come to a remote location to pick him up from his broken-down car…..

Q: How do cows communicate?

A: They have mooo-biles.

A joke my father would appreciate, considering he is part cow (true!) and also comes from a generation that might have called a cell phone a “mobile”.

Day 39

Hmm, cherry or strawberry… let’s do cherry, I want to keep my teeth intact today.

Q: What’s the best smelling insect?

A: Deodor-ant

Killing a large group of ants does emit a curious odor, one I would say is not even close to the best an insect can smell. That said, the bar is fairly low. Maybe I just haven’t come across this “deodor” variety, but I highly doubt it’s better than their more common cousins that plague my yard.

Q: Why was the queen antsy?

A: She was the queen of the ants.

What’s with the ant focus? Not something I want to think about when eating sugary sustenance. Vile insects. Also that almost distracted me from the fact that this two liner breaks the cardinal rule of this type of jape – it has both key words of the punchline in the question! Literally “Why queen antsy? Because queen ant.” Seriously?

Day 40

Well well well, a kind benefactor graced me with a package delivered today, and what do I find but a bag of a hitherto unexplored flavor. Blue Raspberry! Something new to track on my flavor spreadsheet (yes, juicy data recorded throughout the year to make charts out of, my favorite). Thank you, nice try

blue raspberry laffy taffy
This, but like a lot more

Q: What kind of time doesn’t need a clock?

A: Face to face time.

Well I find this highly amusing, but not for the reason the author intended (maybe?). Any time spent with a clock is face-to-face time. And time in general doesn’t need a clock – though we could really get into the philosophical weeds here, debating whether time exists if there’s no one to measure it. I’d rather not though, and just give this “joke” a failing grade. Don’t see me after class.

Q: What will a chatty caterpillar become?

A: A social butterfly.

Okay, pretty decent. A little alliteration, appropriate synonym mixing, solid punnage – definitely not the worst Wonka has offered me.

Day 41

I feel the only way to honor the previous day’s gift appropriately is to finish out the week strong – all blue, baby. Blue Raspberry that is.

Q: How does a tree go home when ready?

A: It leaves.

Sadly, it seems as though these were manufactured at the same time as my main bucket – there is a repeat joke on this wrapper. It’s the bananas liking splits one we debunked earlier. Sickening. I’m starting to fear that there may not be enough jokes to carry 365 days – crazy considering they’ve been making these since the eighties. I might have to go on eBay to find vintage flavors – clearly I haven’t endangered myself enough yet, time to find out if Laffy Taffy can expire.

Day 42

Dwight from The Office saying "Seems like you already know"
That’s right, more Blue Raspberry

Q: How do birds chat with each other?

A: Tweets

Respect to Wonka for not caving to president Musk’s Twitter/Tweet renaming. For that alone, this gets a pass. Also, it’s factually true!

(Yes, I know this wrapper may very well have been printed pre-2023)

Q: Why did the imaginary woman wear lipstick?

A: She was made up.

My girlfriend circa 2012. ba dum tss

It’s been a pleasure, reader(s). See you next week.

This has been February 5 – 11 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Eat the Taffy

~ Ross ~ 6 Comments
Poorly made thumbnail with the post title on it

I’ve decided to do something new with this blog. While I do plan to release some new, typical blog post content this year, I’ve had an idea for an interesting bit floating around my brain for over five years. What if I consumed a piece of Laffy Taffy every day for a year straight, reviewing the jokes on the wrappers? Something no one asked for, no one wanted, just like me. I’ll consolidate these posts in a weekly format, but the first day deserves a special call-out.

Let’s dive in.

Day 1

I open the 145 piece tub of red 40, and probably 1 – 39 as well, and am immediately hit with a chemical smell of some kind of preservative. Formaldehyde, most likely, but I’ve always wanted to get a head-start on my embalming. After a year’s worth of Laffy Taffy, I’ll probably be pretty close to dead anyway.

Picking a piece completely at random, making sure it’s not banana, I select sour apple. If only there were more than four flavors in this container, and if only more than three of them were any good.

Joke 1

Q: What’s a baseball player in a hot air balloon?

A: Batter up.

At first I thought the grammar of this one seemed funky, but after some thought I realized it’s just an awful joke that my brain was trying to find some semblance of sense in. It technically works, linguistically speaking, but when you’re having to get into the technicalities of jokes, it’s already failed as a piece of humor.

Joke 2

Q: What do you call a clown with a psych degree?

A: A funcologist.

This one actually broke my brain. It appears the “funny” lies in the assumption that you can replace the “psych” in “psychologist” with any other word, even if it doesn’t rhyme or sound similar in any way. I imagine the punchline would have had exactly the same weight if it had been “a jestercologist” which is to say, none at all.

The hard part of my job for the day done, I ate the sour apple taffy. Softer than I was expecting, thankfully. Historically I’ve bought packages where only the banana had a consistency and temperature something north of an icicle, but we’re off to a good start here.

One day down. 364 to go.