Author: Ross

The Opposite of a Workaholic, Novice Blogger, and All-Around Swell Guy.

My Slightly Less Than a Year of Laffy Taffy Journey: A Look Back

~ Ross ~ 1 Comment

Well, it’s not how far you make it on a journey that counts, it’s the fun you have along the way, right?

Though I fell short of my goal with this project, it was everything I had hoped it would be. Tearing into terrible jokes, eating lots of sweets, and getting comments from my estranged family… all good times.

As an analytically minded guy, I tracked my progress on a spreadsheet so that I could have a cool recap of my stats at the end of the year. With only 56/365 days completed, it’s far less impressive than it could have been, but I think it’s valuable to share some data points on my stalwart path towards a diabetic coma.

Nevertheless, in the short time that I worked this bit, I came up with a few interesting data points that you might find yourself interested in. Something of a recap of my time spent annihilating my teeth, taste buds, and guts.

Graphic with bold text reading 'FAVORITE FLAVOR' set against a vibrant yellow and blue sunburst background.

The underdog no one saw coming, the clear favorite taffy flavor of mine (calculated by most units consumed) was…. Banana! 13/56, a whopping 23% of my days were spent consuming banana taffy and ridiculing the jokes on their wrappers. I think I was so intent on getting them out of the way early, I failed to consider the consequences of what it would look like if I ended early as well. Oh cherry, I should have appreciated – and consumed – you more.

Colorful background featuring rays of blue and yellow with bold text 'RAREST FLAVOR' in white.

Also not as impactful as it could have been, this title is shared between two flavors. First, the forgettable Mango-Passionfruit flavor from our fusion bag, which somehow only had a few pieces of this and all but one had duplicate jokes. The other of course goes to the singular loooong piece of Mystery taffy, which was not like traditional mystery flavors from my childhood but instead another fusion-type flavor that they just conceal from you. Not as cool, but it was the tastiest piece I ate this whole year.

The true number of duplicates, when counting wrappers with two previously done jokes, was like 80% of my entire stash. This metric only considers wrappers where one joke was a duplicate while the other was fresh. With that criteria, there was still a whopping 3.6% of reused jokes I had to discard for their respective day. 4 of them, to put a precise number on it. Most of them revolving around fruit, and all really bad.

So, so many to choose from. I had to narrow it down a little, but there were three jokes that stood ankles and feet below their peers. In no particular order:

  • How is a USB like an elephant? They both have memory skills.
  • What am I? An emu & smiley face: Emoji
  • Why was the queen antsy? She was the queen of the ants.

Honestly, two of them are so bad that finding a third to put into the running was a little hard. Clearly the antsy queen one, though brutal to read and painful to think about, is not on the level of the other two. It’s basically an anti-joke which gives it some light armor against criticism and it does at least make sense.

The USB one really makes me mad – it hits all the failings of a modern Laffy Taffy joke: unfunny, total lack of understanding of basic computer terminology, and bad grammar. Horrendous, and would easily take the top spot if it weren’t for……

The “Emoji” question. Impossible to be called a joke even sarcastically, I cannot even fathom what the author’s intent was or how it got past Wonka’s famously vicious, attentive, and snobby Witzpolizei. They normally would have shot them on the spot for such a crime. Well, better late than never.

The best of the worst, I suppose, obviously none of these jokes were expected by anyone to be any good, but I must confess there were a few that pleasantly surprised me. For lack of better options, we’ll crown a “king of the trash heap.”

  • What do you get when you mix molten rock and tropical fruit? Hot guava.
  • What do you call a king’s rabbit? The hare to the throne.
  • Why did the girl have a tiny wooden infant? She wanted a whittle baby.

Not bad, right? They don’t make my eyes roll all the way back in my head as I convulse and foam at the mouth. Actually, that might be happening because of the pounds and pounds of sugars, dyes, and toxins I’ve passed into my body since beginning this challenge.

Ok, choosing a favorite here is a little harder than picking my most hated, surprisingly enough. Hot guava is ok but easily the least stellar banana in the bunch (see, I can bust out fruit references too). It gets more difficult to crown a winner between the other two – “hare to the throne” is so clever, but “whittle baby” has that whimsical quality that actually makes me smile. But, gun to my head, I’d say the best one is…

Whittle baby! By a hair (haha). It’s a true joke that brings as much delight as the sterile, corporate joke approvers of Wonka could allow. All in all, it goes to show that even among the immense dreck of Laffy Taffy jokes, there are a couple pieces of silver to be found.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. Shorter than I thought it would be but I have no regrets, and my teeth appreciate the mercy. See you around, readers.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 50 – 56: The Finale

~ Ross ~ 2 Comments

The End

Well I made it 50+ days in, not bad! 13.6% of the way to the end. Sadly, it looks like this will be the final YoLT post – now maybe more appropriately named Two Months of Laffy Taffy. It was fun, but the content just isn’t there. After this post I have like a week’s worth of usable wrappers left, and even if I went down to eating a piece of LT a day, splitting a joke wrapper across two days, I don’t think I could eke out more than another couple weeks.

Also, I’ve been devastatingly sick for the past two weeks and the thought of eating more Laffy Taffy during those days made me feel even worse. So I didn’t. And it made me feel slightly better. So, like all good things, I think it must end. Not a full year like I planned, but I’m at least glad to have enjoyed attempting something that I’ve thought about doing for many years. Thanks for going on the journey with me, and I hope you get some final entertainment out of the following final reports.

Day 50

Today’s flavor is brought to you by cherry. Haven’t had it for a minute and I must have the Mandate of Heaven today, because the first one I picked wasn’t a duplicate wrapper.

Q: What type of fly loves bread?

A: Butterfly

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

I like how this one is just “butterfly.” Not “A butterfly” like usual. reminiscent of yesterday’s caveman joke – maybe he got hired by Wonka after his failed attempt to turn his car insurance rep career into a sitcom one, and is writing their joke wrappers. That would make a lot of sense, really. More than most of these jokes do, anyway.

Q: What bow cannot be tied?

A: A rainbow.

Also a regular bow, if we’re talking knots, or a crossbow. Or an elbow. Or… rochambeau. No? Too many linguistic liberties with that one? Ah, well maybe you’re just a Philistine.

Day 51

It’s been a minute since I’ve gone back to the blue raspberry well. But ol’ reliable keeps serving me up the soft sweet stuff with a new joke to “enjoy.”

Q: Why was the gift late to the party?

A: It was all wrapped up.

Not bad on the face of it, though “wrapped up” isn’t a phrase typically chosen for that action – I believe “tied up” is the more appropriate expression. That being said, a minor quibble as it still works, and “tied up” would be better used as a punchline if the gift was some bondage type gift – maybe a joke better saved for Laffy Taffy After Dark flavors, marketed towards the edgy 16+ audience.

Q: What type of bow loves water?

No way, not two days in a row.

A: A rainbow.

What are the odds? I guess not bad considering the themes of every wrapper seem to revolve around fruit (especially bananas), computers, 19th century riddles, and rainbows.

I see where they were going with this one and I’ll accept that the premise makes sense, but it’s a strictly inferior rainbow joke to the one we read yesterday, so to the incinerator it goes.

Day 52

Tiring of duplicates, I went through my various bags to eliminate them once and for all. unfortunately, that meant I had to get rid of over 80% of my current stash. This is the point I realized that at this rate, I’d be out of content in two weeks. It’s not even something that can be solved by just buying more, as all currently produced taffy seems to have the same jokes on the wrappers. Ah well.

Today is banana, and this flavor and blue raspberry constitute the majority of non-duplicate jokes, so we’ll be seeing a lot more of these this and next week.

Q: What type of bug has good etiquette?

A: A ladybug.

Would have used “insect” instead of “bug”, but it’s a charming little joke. I do like ladybugs.

Q: What do you call a lazy bull?

A: A bulldozer.

Not as charming. Perhaps “bovine” instead of “bull” for this one. Lazy writing, lazy wrapper, lazy flavor. Not a lot of good content today. Exactly what I’ve come to expect from the most reprehensible of flavors.

Day 53

Blue raspberry. I think they’re calcifying or something, each one has been tougher to chew than the last. That or the sugar is rotting my teeth so fast that they’re now soft, like noodles.

Q: What type of data has a band?

A: Gig-abyte

This joke would have been way better if the question was something like: “What did the programmer name his band?” A gigabyte isn’t a type of data, it’s a capacity measurement, and the query just sounds weird that way. If you can make it into a real world situation, do so, it’s funnier that way. “Data” doesn’t have bands and even with the willing suspension of disbelief we have to do in jokeland, it’s still a bad example of one.

Q: Why did the PC go to the doc?

A: It had a virus.

I wonder if the two jokes are intentionally made to have similar themes sometimes. Looks like it’s a computer-related wrapper duo today. This one at least makes sense, as it’s a common problem PCs have. Sadly, making sense will not save the writer from the gallows, since the joke is still bad.

Day 54

Banana banana, I won’t be sorry to see the last of you.

Q: How do potatoes resolve fights?

A: They hash it out.

I won’t be caught twice, now at least the hash part makes sense. It’s funny, I’ve had hash browns my whole life but thinking of the word “hash” all by itself does not make me think of potatoes. Something more… narcotic-y.

Q: When can peanuts laugh?

A: When you crack them up.

Mm, you crack the peanut shell, not really the peanut itself. Maybe it should be walnuts as the nut of choice. Or maybe the writer should never have been born. One of those things for sure.

Day 55

Blue raspberry, the last bite I’ll have of it in the name of this jester’s campaign. They seem to be getting harder and harder, though still nothing like the feeling of biting the curb that cherry gives me.

Q: How does the beach greet you?

A: With waves.

The beach hasn’t greeted me in years. As a father to young children, I don’t dare take them on a long trip to somewhere that exotic. Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten what the open ocean looks like…

Q: How does the moon cut its hair?

A: Eclipse it.

I kind of like this one, due to my fondness for the moon, though it makes an interesting departure from thousands of years of human tradition by implying the moon is a man. ” ‘e clips it” is “he clips it,” I assume? Doesn’t quite sit right with me, I dunno – call me old fashioned.

Day 56

Well this is it. Last one. Over so soon, it’s a bittersweet Sour Apple that I chew for my final bite.

Q: What type of load only rises?

A: An upload.

Definitely not the only type, and just because the word “up” is in “upload” doesn’t mean it’s literally rising into the air, or even vertically.

Why did the phones break up?

A: Because they wanted to go wireless.

Fitting the final joke is also a near duplicate of one we’ve seen before. It’s the same reason the cable got sad – apparently going wireless causes a lot of relationship problems. And really, that’s kind of an allegory for society… wait, have these jokes been deep, philosophical ones all along? Have I been the out-of-touch fool who doesn’t get earnest, salt-of-the-Earth humor?

Nah.

Peace out

This has been February 19 – 25 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the entirety of its 56 day run in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 43 – 49

~ Ross ~ Leave a comment

Day 43

A soft start to this week with some banana. Good to get my daily serving of fruit in.

Q: Why did the candle get a round of applause?

A: It was scent-sational.

Ahh, scented candles. I recently purchased a neat candle warmer resembling those vintage flower lamps that are making a comeback these days, and it’s not only pretty but also a superior melting method than actually lighting the wick. A nice even melt that really gets the most out of the candle’s aroma.

This joke isn’t bad either.

Q: What can you catch but not throw?

A: Your breath.

And here I thought the joke would be “a cold”. Pretty sure that’s the original answer. I wonder how many other good responses there are to this? “Feelings” is another good one.

Day 44

Strawberry, my old friend. We’ll see who prevails at the end of the year – you, or my teeth.

Q: What do mad bees scream out?

A: Buzz off!

This is a scary thought. One made scarier by the fact that the first image that pops into my head when reading this joke is Seinfeld in The Bee Movie, a D-tier animated romp that I fortunately haven’t seen in totality but its prevalence in internet meme culture has nonetheless forced me to be intimately familiar with.

Q: What kind of room unites people?

A: A chat room.

Okay, the author of this joke has definitely never been in a chatroom. Sure, taken at face value maybe their joke is correct on a literal level, but never have I seen the human divide more clearly than in internet forums, chatrooms, and comment sections. United they are not!

Day 45

Blue raspberry! I was just taking a short break from it, but I’m back. I’m not huge on the flavor in most candies, but it’s pleasantly mild and surprisingly not very tart in its taffy form.

Q: How does a baby search the internet?

A: It ooo-gles it.

Bit of a head scratcher. “ooo-gles” it looks more like ogles, and nothing is less funny than a lecherous baby. Is “ooogle” a sound babies make? I’m familiar with “goo goo ga ga” and it’s noisier cousin “WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH” but ooogle I have not heard.

Also babies can’t use computers. C’mon, Wonka, this is embarrassing.

Q: What did the bee whisper to his honey?

A: Sweet nothings.

Schizophrenic bee whispering to the inanimate, non-living food it spends its whole life producing. Just put the hunny in the pot, little bro, don’t be having a mental break about it or imagine a romantic connection where none exists.

Day 46

Sour apple! Been a minute since the last one of these, I believe it was on… oh, Day 37. Of course, I may have snuck some extras that had duplicate jokes on them, but who’s counting…

Q: What’s a school of peas?

A: A peapod.

Questionable setup. Why a school and not something that would take advantage of the word “pod”? Or is pod shorthand for school? I doubt it. Absolute F-tier joke, because they also use the word pod in the question and the answer. Failure.

Q: How does the sun and moon play hide and seek?

A: An eclipse.

At first this joke enraged me mightily, but then a way for the author to escape the death sentence did occur to me. Obviously it doesn’t seem to make sense because of all the celestial events this writer could have picked, an eclipse is specifically the one time that the sun and moon will never be hiding from each other. The thing that makes the eclipse an eclipse is that there is nothing between the two, not even the Earth.

Howwwwever, the question doesn’t explicitly state it’s the sun and moon playing only with each other. The Earth could be included in the game, in which case the sun could partake in hiding from us, for a brief moment. Not the moon though. Joke still sucks. This wrapper shall be burned and stricken from the historical record.

Day 47

It’s not looking good for this series, folks. I ventured out to buy some new Laffy Taffy, as I’ve found an overwhelming number of duplicate jokes already in my original tub of 145, as well as the other bags I’ve acquired. I’m starting to think there isn’t enough content to carry me through 365 days. I’ll persevere as long as I can, of course, but finding a duplicate on the wrapper of an entirely different type of taffy, as well as it being a different flavor, doesn’t inspire confidence.

Today’s flavor is Mystery, specifically a mystery swirl of two flavors. Well, on opening it I can’t say it’s that much of a mystery. Can you guess what one of the flavors is?

Spoiled surprise aside, the apple-grape blend was actually really good. I somehow haven’t been able to find grape taffy yet even though I’m pretty sure it was one of the most common flavors during my whole lifetime of eating it. I think they swapped it out for strawberry.

The first joke was the “hurricanes have eyes” classic from day 18. Let’s hope #2 is better, and not like… #2.

How did the bananamobile escape?

It peeled out.

I’m shocked that it wasn’t some pun based on the splits. For that reason – and that alone – it scrapes by with a pass.

Day 48

More banana. To the average blog passerby, it would be forgiven if they thought that banana was my favorite flavor. The true devotees know the truth, however: I’m just a masochist.

Where are average things made?

The satisfactory.

What? If I’m satisfied with something, I feel like I’d consider it better than “average”. Based on the standard they seem to let writers get away with these days, I feel like it would have made more sense to commit that vile sin of using the same word in question and answer, and have the question be “Where are satisfying things made?” Atrocious, but it would somehow be better than whatever this was.

Where do ghosts go shopping?

A boo-tique.

Okay this one redeems the wrapper. That was a close one, it was almost time for another writer guillotining.

Day 49

Finally, made it to the end of another week. Sorry for the late publish on this one, sometimes it’s a struggle just livin’, you know? I’m sure these jokes will make everything better…

What can make splits with no legs?

A banana.

THERE IT IS. Can’t go a week without a stupid banana split pun can we?

What can you call a car that never stops?

Cargo

Maybe, maybe if you’re a caveman? Or have an IQ of 6, the same as the writer of this joke. Vile, atrocious, hateful words. This made a blood vessel in my head twitch. Probably the worst wrapper I’ve seen yet. Laffy Taffy always finds a way to hit rock bottom and then dig several feet deeper.

Nevertheless, it’s been a pleasure like always. Thanks for joining me on this traversal of jokeland.

This has been February 12 – 18 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 36 – 42

~ Ross ~ 2 Comments

Day 36

Strrrawberry-Kiwi. Hard as a rock, about as tasty as one. Nearing the end of this bag of fusions, I don’t think I’ll get another, even though the fruit-themed jokes have been interesting. It would be cool if other flavor sets had consistent themes to them, other than the them they all seem to share of sucking.

Q: How do you make a strawberry turnover?

A: Push it down a mountain.

Attempted murder? The first thing I see for this week? And it’s the punchline in a joke? For shame, Wonka.

Q: What do you do if you see a blue mango?

A:Try to cheer it up.

Y’know, it shows my lack of fruitical knowledge that when I read this, I wasn’t even sure if there was such a thing as a blue mango. But upon googling it, I found that not only are they a rare Indonesian variety, but you can also buy them from the same IndiaMART that sells that strange laptop costume from last week’s Taffypost. the more you know.

Day 37

Sour apple – soft, chemical, you know the drill. It would probably be the second-worst of these three flavors if Strawberry wasn’t so miserably hard to chew most of the time.

Alas, we ran into another half-duplicate today. The first was a repeat of our lovely vampiric blood orange joke, which you know I loved reading again. As long as one of the jokes isn’t a repeat, I’ll use a wrapper.

Q: Where should you never take dogs shopping?

A: The flea market.

An acceptable answer would also have been “anywhere.” Controversial opinion of mine perhaps, but anywhere I’m going shopping, I don’t want to see dogs. Or poorly-behaved children, who are much the same thing.

Day 38

Trying to thin out my Banana hoard but somehow it’s not working – as of today I’ve had 9 of them, more than any other flavor, and yet they continue to multiply like rabbits… or viruses.

Q: Why do phones ring?

A: Because they can’t speak.

I suppose this could be, but what is speech but a way of vibrating sound waves in such a manner that another individual can understand you? If that’s the case, then when you’re talking to another person over the phone, the phone’s components are the ones manipulating the sound waves to create intelligible speech. Perhaps there was never another person on the line at all. Perhaps the phone has learned how to mimic your friend’s voice and is now trying to convince you to come to a remote location to pick him up from his broken-down car…..

Q: How do cows communicate?

A: They have mooo-biles.

A joke my father would appreciate, considering he is part cow (true!) and also comes from a generation that might have called a cell phone a “mobile”.

Day 39

Hmm, cherry or strawberry… let’s do cherry, I want to keep my teeth intact today.

Q: What’s the best smelling insect?

A: Deodor-ant

Killing a large group of ants does emit a curious odor, one I would say is not even close to the best an insect can smell. That said, the bar is fairly low. Maybe I just haven’t come across this “deodor” variety, but I highly doubt it’s better than their more common cousins that plague my yard.

Q: Why was the queen antsy?

A: She was the queen of the ants.

What’s with the ant focus? Not something I want to think about when eating sugary sustenance. Vile insects. Also that almost distracted me from the fact that this two liner breaks the cardinal rule of this type of jape – it has both key words of the punchline in the question! Literally “Why queen antsy? Because queen ant.” Seriously?

Day 40

Well well well, a kind benefactor graced me with a package delivered today, and what do I find but a bag of a hitherto unexplored flavor. Blue Raspberry! Something new to track on my flavor spreadsheet (yes, juicy data recorded throughout the year to make charts out of, my favorite). Thank you, nice try

blue raspberry laffy taffy
This, but like a lot more

Q: What kind of time doesn’t need a clock?

A: Face to face time.

Well I find this highly amusing, but not for the reason the author intended (maybe?). Any time spent with a clock is face-to-face time. And time in general doesn’t need a clock – though we could really get into the philosophical weeds here, debating whether time exists if there’s no one to measure it. I’d rather not though, and just give this “joke” a failing grade. Don’t see me after class.

Q: What will a chatty caterpillar become?

A: A social butterfly.

Okay, pretty decent. A little alliteration, appropriate synonym mixing, solid punnage – definitely not the worst Wonka has offered me.

Day 41

I feel the only way to honor the previous day’s gift appropriately is to finish out the week strong – all blue, baby. Blue Raspberry that is.

Q: How does a tree go home when ready?

A: It leaves.

Sadly, it seems as though these were manufactured at the same time as my main bucket – there is a repeat joke on this wrapper. It’s the bananas liking splits one we debunked earlier. Sickening. I’m starting to fear that there may not be enough jokes to carry 365 days – crazy considering they’ve been making these since the eighties. I might have to go on eBay to find vintage flavors – clearly I haven’t endangered myself enough yet, time to find out if Laffy Taffy can expire.

Day 42

Dwight from The Office saying "Seems like you already know"
That’s right, more Blue Raspberry

Q: How do birds chat with each other?

A: Tweets

Respect to Wonka for not caving to president Musk’s Twitter/Tweet renaming. For that alone, this gets a pass. Also, it’s factually true!

(Yes, I know this wrapper may very well have been printed pre-2023)

Q: Why did the imaginary woman wear lipstick?

A: She was made up.

My girlfriend circa 2012. ba dum tss

It’s been a pleasure, reader(s). See you next week.

This has been February 5 – 11 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 29 – 35

~ Ross ~ 2 Comments
My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 29 - 35

Barely getting this post in on time. Some weeks, the motivation just isn’t motivatin’, you know?

Day 29

Starting off the week strong with getting the garbage out of the way: you already know, it’s Banana*!

*artificial flavoring, food coloring , possibly trace amounts of arsenic

Q: Why did the skier bring wipes?

A: He didn’t want to wipeout.

What were the wipes for though? As a father, running out of wipes is pretty bad, but I doubt this guy brought kids on a skiing trip. “Wiping out” wouldn’t be the end of the world, unless he’s the sick kind of individual who wipes with wet wipes instead of using the classy bidet.

Q: What tunes do cows enjoy?

A: Moo-sic

Ah, joke number 219, one of the originals from the beginning of time. Well, the jokes were still bad but at least not repeats this time. Having to eat two banana taffies was worse than the eye strain I got from rolling them too far into my head.

Day 30

Thirty days in! Feels like a lifetime. Not quite a month yet but let’s celebrate with some more fusion flavor: Strawberry-Kiwi.

Q: What is shockingly yellow?

A: An electric banana.

More fruit jokes. I feel like most jokes have a punchline that involves a pun of a real life item or scenario, but there’s no such thing as an electric banana – unless that’s a name of some degenerate toy out there. Maybe it could be workshopped to pay on electric eel – electric peel, perhaps. Not quite there, but I feel to make the joke not completely suck, there’s got to be something that can be done.

Q: Why did a peach buy perfume?

A: Its pits smelled.

This one is much better. Thinking of smelly pits is not something I like to do when eating candy, or really ever, but at least it’s a sensible pun.

Day 31

Sweet, soft, cherry. I started this with a pretty positive outlook on the flavor, but its artificiality is starting to get on my nerves. My taste buds long for the taste of real fruit…

Q: What type of check has no money?

A: Spell-check

Tell that to book editors. The rates they charge – though probably justified – can get pretty crazy. There’s definitely money in spell-check. Now fact-checking, that’s another matter these days….

Q: What can you serve but not eat?

A: A tennis ball.

My dirty mind jumped to a different, Gen Z answer when I read this, but then realized that answer wouldn’t make sense as it would actually be possible to do both.

There is, guaranteed, someone out there who has eaten a tennis ball. Probably multiple people, so this answer doesn’t work either.

Day 32

Banananananana. Free me from this prison.

Q: What’s a top you can’t wear?

A: A laptop.

Yeah… IDK what this is, man

True, true, it would be hard to wear a laptop. Oh, what’s this? Proof of your lies? Found in five seconds on Google? Well well well. This joke refutal has been sponsored by IndiaMART. IndiaMART is India’s largest online B2B marketplace, connecting buyers with suppliers. We have all your costume needs – inquire within. IndiaMART.

Another loss for you I’m afraid, Laffy Taffy writers.

Q: What kind of phone needs gas?

A: Auto-mobile

Now that’s a joke to groan at. If we allow ourselves to think of gas as a fuel, I suppose cell phones do need “gas” in the form of electricity.

What I like about this joke is that, unlike our friend the electric banana, the answer actually relates to the question in both elements. Phone -> Mobile. Gas -> Automobile. It’s all interconnected. Not two random words put together for a nonsensical punchline.

Now does this joke still suck? Absolutely.

Day 33

Cherry again. I can’t help but wonder what cherry these flavor scientists were comparing their product to. What made them go “Yeah, this is it. This is the cherry flavor we wanted.” Besides giving up after years of attempts, maybe. Because this… ain’t it.

Q: What has a neck, no head, and wears a cap?

A: A bottle.

On my initial read through of this joke I thought it said “a head and no neck” and I thought “well that describes a lot of unfortunate people in this world. Upon re-reading it, it made much more sense. I can’t think of anything else that fits the criteria.

Q: How do social turtles communicate?

A: Snappy-chat

To the elderly who might be reading this, the answer is a play on the picture messaging app “Snapchat”, a miserable tool primarily used by cheaters and those who wish to photograph their faces with so many beautifying filters that they no longer look human.

Day 34

Today calls for Strawberry-Orange, and that means guaranteed back-to-back fruit jokes.

Q: What’s a sweet alternative to plastic straws?

A: Straw-berries

Might be tough to drink through them, but it would be tasty to try. They probably kill significantly less turtles, too.

Q: Why didn’t the guitar player eat the whole apple?

A: Too hard core.

Who’s this guitarist, the guy from Switchfoot? George Harrison? Elvis? I’m having trouble thinking of people who would think of rock music that would be too hard core, even most Christian bands I can think of aren’t afraid of a little heavy metal now and then. This guy will not make it far in the industry, I’m sorry to say. Also, he’s a wuss who can’t even finish a single apple, which has never meant eating the core unless you’re some kind of psychopath.

Day 35

Cutting out yesterday’s orange and going straight for the strawberry. A sweet alternative to a plastic straw, or so I’ve been told.

Q: What type of grade only gets better?

A: An upgrade.

Another example of a passable punchline. I rather like this one, though it’s a bit too reminiscent in its cadence of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka’s quip: “The best kind of prize is a surprise!”

Q: What type of scan can prevent infection?

A: Antivirus

Mm technically accurate, enough for the layman anyway. Hey, I’m judging this at 11 PM, I’ll cut it some slack. Not the best wrapper I’ve seen, but certainly not the worst. I give it 12 Oompa Loompas out of 100.

This has been January 29 – February 4 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

Decennalia

~ Ross ~ 1 Comment
An expanded shot of the blog's banner, a gargoyle of the Chrysler Building overlooking Manhattan

It’s January 30, 2025. A special date for this blog, as it marks the ten year anniversary of its launch. I’m a melancholic sort who often ponders the meaning of life and how short mine is, but as I reflect on the past decade I feel good about the work I’ve done here. Sure, for half of it I didn’t really make any posts, and some days my college years feel so very long ago. But it’s only been ten years since I was a sophomore! That’s not so much time, right? I’m still young… right?

Reading through my blog posts for the first time in a decade or so, I’m struck by how little my writing seems to have changed. Sure, I’ve got more life experience than the already-jaded college student who started this blog, but I feel my outlook on life and sarcastic writing style remains the same. I find myself not cringing at my younger self’s thoughts and opinions, a true luxury these days in a post-social media world. I think I might even have gotten along with past me, something else I imagine few can say. Sure, he could be an insensitive fool at times but that’s true of 2025 Ross as well, so… Can’t fault him too much for that.

But maybe ten years really is a long time. And maybe when something has lived that long, it’s time for a change. This blog has maintained its simple, Art Deco appearance for all of those years, and I feel like it deserves an update if I’m going to continue pouring creative effort into it. And thus, I have begun giving this site a fresh coat of paint, something that I hope will evolve it into an enhanced visual experience and submersion in the 20th century style and feel I want this blog to evoke. You may have also noticed the site has its own domain, no more .wordpress.com! For a year, anyway. Domains + hosting are expensive.

To honor that style I’ve loved for so long, let’s take a short journey through the architectural masterpiece that inspired my young, creative brain to the point where it has become a constant fixture in my mind as much as it is one on the New York City skyline: The Chrysler Building.

“Chrysler building- top” by Petri Krohn at Wikipedia.

Now much has been said about this piece of art, so instead of writing a long history of the architect, the installation, and the broader details of what make it so brilliant (should be obvious), I’m just going to share some interesting facts and cool things I’ve gleaned over the years. The images are almost entirely from an amazing book I’d love a hardcover of – The Chrysler Building: Creating a New York Icon, Day by Day. Lots of cool shots of the building during its construction, which were almost lost to history when the author accidentally stumbled upon them as they were about to be destroyed.

Construction up to the 36th floor – July 12, 1929

Firstly, I’ll share something that came to my knowledge recently. On the 71st floor of the Chrysler Building was a public observation deck which – though closed since 1945, was a marvel of modern design. A gallery called “The Celestial” had breathtaking, one-of-a-kind solar system adornments and a spacefaring vibe that would have absolutely made the feeling of looking across the blossoming Manhattan skyline something truly resplendent.

Gorgeous stuff – if only there were more photographs of this floor. Alas, it was closed in 15 years after opening and destroyed thereafter. Now the room is taken up by some soulless corporation instead of being open to the masses. If we can’t get it back for the people, I’d settle for it being my personal penthouse at the very least.

There was also a gentlemen’s club – more accurately a “millionaire cronies of Walter Chrysler club” that, in contrast to its Art Deco exterior, was decorated with a mishmash of a more traditional look & feel. Texaco, a tenant of the building, requested that a lunch club for executives be added to the building, and thus floors 66 – 68 became a strange amalgamation of medieval, Tudor, and modern styles so it could be more palatable to the traditional old dudes who would frequent it, much to the perturbation of the architect. The Cloud Club was not as short lived as the celestial – stuff for the rich elite always has a longer lease on life – but it did finally close in 1979 due to a lack of executive interest.

Photo from NYPL Collections

You can also view a cool gallery of club images here, as it looked later in its life.

Something that might initially look silly but then become familiar, in our ongoing age of pointless extravagance and performative opulence, is this shot of the architects of several famous high-rises dressing up on stage as their own buildings. Their outfits and headwear wouldn’t be out of place on a runway in Milan in [present year], methinks.

Here you can also see a short video of the men milling about on stage, looking a mixture of amused and confused.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t share an incredible mini-documentary video with you. Narrated by John Malkovich, who is as big a fan of the building as I am, it is a very amusing and educational 10 minute romp. Whoever wrote it – I wouldn’t put it past the writer of some of it being Malkovich himself – has exactly the kind of sharp wit I like. Do yourself a favor and check it out – the video is screwy and repeats itself after the end, so you can close it around 10 minutes in. Enjoy!

Here’s to another decade of this blog. I have found it most entertaining to write, and I’ve learned quite a few things because of it, and we all know how much I love to learn. As I mention in my About pages, Cineri Gloria Sera Venit’s founding principle is to marry useful, interesting knowledge with a witty, entertaining presentation style. And, according to my three readers who all may or may not be related to me, I succeed in that endeavor. So why stop now?

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 22 – 28

~ Ross ~ Leave a comment
My Year of Laffy Taffy Days 22 - 28

Day 22

Four weeks in! And they said it couldn’t be done. That madness would have consumed me long since. Well, though the last line of my last post might imply otherwise, I’m still sane and still here. As long as the flavor today isn’t…

Banana. Well, that’s one less for future me to consume.

Q: Why do winners always win?

A: Beats me.

And with that mindset, you never will understand. Stay losing, loser.

Q: What moth is really huge?

A: A mam-moth.

Yeah all right, that’s not bad. “really huge” could use a more succinct, descriptive word like “massive” but maybe there’s a strict limit of one multi-syllabic word per joke.

Fun fact: there actually is a type of moth nicknamed the Mammoth Moth – the cecropia moth. As you might have guessed, it’s called that because it’s… “really huge.” And fuzzy. And… cute?

Wingspans of up to 7 inches! credit: Shawn Hanrahan

Day 23

A day like today calls for a new flavor. Let’s see what our fusion taffy bag has for us.

Strawberry-Orange. Not bad, it finally tastes like something truly new – the artificial orange really comes through. When I close my eyes, I’m transported to the laboratory where the tropical fruit flavors are synthesized, basking in the warm glow of the buzzing incandescent lights that illuminate the tasty research being done there. Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass, a test tube falls to the floor. “Doctor!” someone screams. “The subjects are loose!” An assistant trips on the shards of the newly-broken lab equipment, slicing through their boot and lacerating their heel. Blood seeps through the shoe as its owner picks themselves up and runs for the door, but it’s too late. It’s too late for all of them down there, as the lights continue to hum their gentle, dispassionate sound over the chaos unfolding below.

Mmmm. Laffy Taffy – Spreading Joy on Every Wrapper.

Q: What do you get when you mix molten rock and tropical fruit?

A: Hot guava.

This one is pretty good. The answer lines up with the parameters of the question and is a solid pun I haven’t heard before. A pun isn’t really the type of joke that makes me laugh out loud, as it’s a simplistic form of humor that doesn’t really subvert expectations or make you do a double-take, forcing a guffaw or two. I’m not trying to be a joke snob here, though the premise of this series might imply otherwise, I’m just saying – for a pun to make the corners of my mouth twitch, that’s actually an impressive feat. Nice work, mysterious writer.

Q: Which fruit loves acting the most?

A: Passion fruit.

What is with this fusion bag? Every joke has been fruit themed. This one is mediocre – a lot of things can be done with passion, I don’t know why they decided on acting. To be fair, the first few alternatives that come to mind for a change to the joke wouldn’t be G rated so maybe this is for the best after all…

Day 24

I’ve been slacking on the strawberry front, but you can’t really blame me when each one is like biting into a brick. Somehow, as I tentatively nibbled this berry-flavored approximation of a waxy abomination, I was pleasantly surprised to find it was semi-soft. Maybe keeping the house 70+ degrees all winter has finally thawed out the taffy bucket.

Q: What do you call a king’s rabbit?

A: The hare to the throne.

“Thumbs up” – Ebert, 2025

Wow, I do like this one. Makes perfect sense, a good pun… a solid C+ (which for a Laffy Taffy joke is like getting four stars from Roger Ebert, but even better because I’m actually alive and have good taste).

Q: What’s a good spot for a taste bud?

A: I forgot… It’s on the tip of my tongue.

As I read the question I was thinking a good anti-joke would be for the answer to just be “the tongue.” As it stands, that basically is the answer but with a bonus pun to boot. Not a bad wrapper today, perhaps there is value to continuing my life after all.

Day 25

Sour apple, once again. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog Day.

Q: What did the egg say to the frying pan?

A: You crack me up.

I don’t think most people crack the egg on the pan itself, but even if you did smash it against the side of the pan wouldn’t it then be you who technically cracked it? I wouldn’t tell this joke to my dog.

Q: What type of pic do you take with a surfer?

A: A surfie.

Horrendous, but a decent play on words. I wonder if, in the far flung future (assuming we haven’t bombed ourselves into oblivion), no one will remember what the word “selfie” means?

Day 26

Once again, a strawberry that’s softer than average. Still not the toothpaste-consistency of cherry, but we’re getting there.

Q: What type of turtle likes things fast?

A: The snappy kind.

A banal, bland buffoonery. I don’t even have anything to say about this one, you already know it’s not good. If you think it is, perhaps I could recommend you this book.

Q: What nut has water when you crack it open?

A: A coconut.

Fun fact – I read on Wikipedia that coconut water has allegedly been used in parts of India to kill the elderly. “In this custom, the elderly person is made to drink an excessive amount of coconut water, eventually resulting in fever and death, the exact causes of which have not been determined.” Personally, having to drink or taste coconut in any form would kill me as well, because it sucks.

Day 27

It’s banana, but Wildberry-Banana. So not as bad. Fruit themed jokes? You know it. Now, due to an absolutely crazy coincidence I’m afraid you only get one joke today. Why? Well, against all odds (or at least some of them), the second joke on this wrapper was, word for word, Day 26’s coconut joke. A reused joke isn’t too unlikely, but for it to be on a wrapper from an entirely different bag of flavors, and for me to have read it just the day before – well, that’s just strange I tell you!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A: Blood orange.

Yeah, I mean I guess. Another fruit I’ll let go without a fight, they’re a little too tart for me. Too much blood, not enough orange. Now we know what Nosferatu was snacking on in that coffin for a few hundred years.

Nosferatu (2024) shadow hand looming over German town
He’s just reaching for his blood oranges, definitely not Johnny Depp’s daughter

Day 28

At last, Mango-Passionfruit. The final untasted flavor I have in my possession – so far. I imagine over the course of this year a sub-goal of my writing project will be to try the most exotic Laffy Taffy flavors ever made – just to reduce some of the monotony. Even the ill-fated chocolate flavor, one of the most abhorrent Wonka spawns ever made.

Anyway, of course there’s a rock hard flavor in this pack too. There must always be one, I suppose. Eating this was a near impossibility and after finally finishing it, I can tell you the juice was not worth the squeeze. A shame, considering it was the only one that didn’t incorporate one of the standard flavors in it. It tasted like a strange, fake pineapple. One of those dum-dums you get at a hairdressers or your grandmothers. Just as brittle too.

Q: Did you hear about the dried grapes?

A: We’ve been raisin awareness.

Alzheimer’s, breast cancer, Parkinson’s – nah, we don’t care about those. Our mission is to raise awareness for raisins. Just where does this self-righteous author get off? They really think dried grapes need any more press?? Sun-Maid has been doing the heavy lifting on that front for over 100 years!! Get yourself to a worthy cause, raisin apologist.

Q: Where do grapes, strawberries, and peaches hang out?

A: Jam sessions.

I’m slightly more of a jelly guy, but jam can hit the spot on the right edible medium. A nice warm scone, perhaps. This joke is fine, the bar is low – I was surprised that none of the fruits listed were ones that couldn’t be jammed. It would probably have actually made me laugh to see something like coconut in it though, and Wonka can’t have my non-laughing streak broken… but maybe there’s hope for me next week?

This has been January 22 – 28 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.

My Year of Laffy Taffy: Days 15 – 21

~ Ross ~ 1 Comment
My year of laffy taffy thumbnail - days 15 - 21

Day 15

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. More sour apple.

Q: What type of brief packs a punch?

A: A boxer brief.

Possibly the laziest and most predictable joke I’ve ever seen. If it was true, also the scariest article of clothing ever conceived as well – always fearing an unexpected left hook straight to the testes just because you want a little more freedom of movement from your underwear is not a worthwhile trade, in my opinion.

Q: How does a cyclist train for a race?

A: He recycles.

What is with this wrapper and both its jokes using the same words in the question that are in the answer? Rookie mistake you wouldn’t catch me making. Amateur hour. Don’t these writers want that fat Wonka money from becoming a permanent Laffy writer?

Day 16

Well it had to be strawberry today. 16th day, 16 taffies divided by 4 possible flavors – now I’ve had 4 of each so far. A nice even spread, but my jaw is not thanking me for not warming up this sludge in the microwave – or a kiln – first.

Q: What did the plate say to the cup?

A: Looks like dinner is on me.

All right, all right. A milquetoast joke, no comments. Keep it up and I may retain my sanity.

Q: What am I? An emu & smiley face:

A: Emoji

I just had to open my big mouth. This one baffles me like nothing I’ve ever seen. I legitimately cannot comprehend it. Emu + 🙂 = Emoji? Does the “em” of emu carry over to emoji? Then “oji” is a smiley? What kind of phrasing is that question, dude?

Day 17

And back to the sour apple well. It is growing on me – never one of my least liked flavors, but chemical apple isn’t quite as good as chemical cherry or – something I have yet to try for this year – chemical grape.

Q: When’s the best time to visit the dentist?

A: Tooth-hurty

Another joke as old as the hills, this one is not only overused but it’s also wrong. 2:30 is not nearly as good a time as 9:00 AM, where, if you play it right you can get out of nearly a whole day’s work. The other correct answer would be “ASAP”, as I found to be the case when I had a root explode on a Friday night.

Q: How do camels blend in?

A: Camel-flage

It is... acceptable

Day 18

Ooey-gooey banana. How I revile thee.

Q: What type of store do apes own?

A: A monkey business.

Monkeys. Always banana-themed or banana-adjacent jokes with these writers. It’s bad enough I have to suffer its failed clone of a candy flavor! Their bias is obvious and disgusting. More representation for the other fruits!

Q: How can hurricanes see?

A: They have eyes.

This one almost struck a chill in me. Setting aside the pun for a moment, how scary would it be if hurricanes actually did have eyes, and could witness the destruction they wrought? Not to mention seeing giant eyes whirling around the stormy spiral… the stuff of nightmares.

And I thought these were supposed to be jokes!

Day 19

Less than three weeks and I’m already going mad from the small amount of flavors available to me. I honestly think that this experiment will put me off Laffy Taffy – once a favorite candy of mine – forever. Today I’m trying a new flavor, as the lack of flavor diversity has already made me seek alternatives.

Strawberry-Kiwi. A new, fusion-styled bag of taffy. Don’t get too excited, it tasted just like strawberry, maybe a hint of a cheek kiss of artificial kiwi. Well, I tried.

Q: What do you call two bananas?

A: A pair of slippers.

Bananas…. bananas bananas bananas!! Two of them now!! I wouldn’t wear those slippers if my feet were about to freeze off me. Give ’em to Donkey Kong.

banana

Q: Why was the banana having a bad day?

A: It was a sundae.

Were these misprinted on a strawberry-kiwi wrapper? I feel like these should be on a banana one. Either way, they both pass muster, I guess. Sunday – and sundaes – are some of the best things about life, so I can’t empathize with the banana here. Yes, I know he’s losing his life so it’s a terrible day for him, but we’ve all got our own problems, mate. At least take comfort in the knowledge you won’t have to go to work tomorrow and you’ll feed someone’s sweet tooth. Would that we could all welcome the embrace of the eternal void in such a manner.

Also I will never feel sorry for the slaughter of bananas. They should all go the way of the Gros Michel.

Day 20

And we’re back to cherry. Don’t want to burn through my very small bag of new and intriguing flavors too quickly, right?

Q: What’s a dryer’s favorite exercise?

A: Spinning

I’ve heard of spinning, but I’ve never known what it entailed (outside of what’s in the name, presumably). Fortunately this blog is really a thinly veiled reason for me to learn new things and inflict them on others, so today is the day I find out.

[a minute of Googling later]

It’s literally just indoor cycling. That is wayyyyy less interesting than I thought it would be. It sounded like some kind of yoga, or that striper-adjacent exercise where they twist around on long cloths hanging from the ceiling. Well, not everything in life can be exciting, I suppose.

Get it twisted: This is the most intense experience you will ever have in your life

Q: What type of truck is never lonely?

A: A pick-up truck.

I’ll never look at trucks the same way again. Sleazy bastards.

Day 21

Couldn’t bring myself to do another regular flavor, so I tried another newbie: Wildberry-Banana. Yes… banana. Fortunately this one tasted more like the wildberry half, so it was more edible than you might think. Sure, wildberry seems to have a lot in common with toxic sugar sludge and blue food coloring, but hey – that’s still better than banana. And it looked kind of cool, so…

Q: Why was the lemon acting up?

A: Because it was out of lime.

Hey, a different fruit! That almost makes up for what is yet another nonsensical joke. There is no inherent relationship between lemons and limes. If this was on a Sprite bottle sure, it might make more sense. How does a lime settle a lemon down? AMATEUR HOUR.

Q: Why do bananas like gymnastics?

A: They like to make splits.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This has been January 15 – 21 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.