Day 22
Four weeks in! And they said it couldn’t be done. That madness would have consumed me long since. Well, though the last line of my last post might imply otherwise, I’m still sane and still here. As long as the flavor today isn’t…
Banana. Well, that’s one less for future me to consume.
Q: Why do winners always win?
A: Beats me.
And with that mindset, you never will understand. Stay losing, loser.
Q: What moth is really huge?
A: A mam-moth.
Yeah all right, that’s not bad. “really huge” could use a more succinct, descriptive word like “massive” but maybe there’s a strict limit of one multi-syllabic word per joke.
Fun fact: there actually is a type of moth nicknamed the Mammoth Moth – the cecropia moth. As you might have guessed, it’s called that because it’s… “really huge.” And fuzzy. And… cute?
Day 23
A day like today calls for a new flavor. Let’s see what our fusion taffy bag has for us.
Strawberry-Orange. Not bad, it finally tastes like something truly new – the artificial orange really comes through. When I close my eyes, I’m transported to the laboratory where the tropical fruit flavors are synthesized, basking in the warm glow of the buzzing incandescent lights that illuminate the tasty research being done there. Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass, a test tube falls to the floor. “Doctor!” someone screams. “The subjects are loose!” An assistant trips on the shards of the newly-broken lab equipment, slicing through their boot and lacerating their heel. Blood seeps through the shoe as its owner picks themselves up and runs for the door, but it’s too late. It’s too late for all of them down there, as the lights continue to hum their gentle, dispassionate sound over the chaos unfolding below.
Mmmm. Laffy Taffy – Spreading Joy on Every Wrapper.
Q: What do you get when you mix molten rock and tropical fruit?
A: Hot guava.
This one is pretty good. The answer lines up with the parameters of the question and is a solid pun I haven’t heard before. A pun isn’t really the type of joke that makes me laugh out loud, as it’s a simplistic form of humor that doesn’t really subvert expectations or make you do a double-take, forcing a guffaw or two. I’m not trying to be a joke snob here, though the premise of this series might imply otherwise, I’m just saying – for a pun to make the corners of my mouth twitch, that’s actually an impressive feat. Nice work, mysterious writer.
Q: Which fruit loves acting the most?
A: Passion fruit.
What is with this fusion bag? Every joke has been fruit themed. This one is mediocre – a lot of things can be done with passion, I don’t know why they decided on acting. To be fair, the first few alternatives that come to mind for a change to the joke wouldn’t be G rated so maybe this is for the best after all…
Day 24
I’ve been slacking on the strawberry front, but you can’t really blame me when each one is like biting into a brick. Somehow, as I tentatively nibbled this berry-flavored approximation of a waxy abomination, I was pleasantly surprised to find it was semi-soft. Maybe keeping the house 70+ degrees all winter has finally thawed out the taffy bucket.
Q: What do you call a king’s rabbit?
A: The hare to the throne.
Wow, I do like this one. Makes perfect sense, a good pun… a solid C+ (which for a Laffy Taffy joke is like getting four stars from Roger Ebert, but even better because I’m actually alive and have good taste).
Q: What’s a good spot for a taste bud?
A: I forgot… It’s on the tip of my tongue.
As I read the question I was thinking a good anti-joke would be for the answer to just be “the tongue.” As it stands, that basically is the answer but with a bonus pun to boot. Not a bad wrapper today, perhaps there is value to continuing my life after all.
Day 25
Sour apple, once again. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog Day.
Q: What did the egg say to the frying pan?
A: You crack me up.
I don’t think most people crack the egg on the pan itself, but even if you did smash it against the side of the pan wouldn’t it then be you who technically cracked it? I wouldn’t tell this joke to my dog.
Q: What type of pic do you take with a surfer?
A: A surfie.
Horrendous, but a decent play on words. I wonder if, in the far flung future (assuming we haven’t bombed ourselves into oblivion), no one will remember what the word “selfie” means?
Day 26
Once again, a strawberry that’s softer than average. Still not the toothpaste-consistency of cherry, but we’re getting there.
Q: What type of turtle likes things fast?
A: The snappy kind.
A banal, bland buffoonery. I don’t even have anything to say about this one, you already know it’s not good. If you think it is, perhaps I could recommend you this book.
Q: What nut has water when you crack it open?
A: A coconut.
Fun fact – I read on Wikipedia that coconut water has allegedly been used in parts of India to kill the elderly. “In this custom, the elderly person is made to drink an excessive amount of coconut water, eventually resulting in fever and death, the exact causes of which have not been determined.” Personally, having to drink or taste coconut in any form would kill me as well, because it sucks.
Day 27
It’s banana, but Wildberry-Banana. So not as bad. Fruit themed jokes? You know it. Now, due to an absolutely crazy coincidence I’m afraid you only get one joke today. Why? Well, against all odds (or at least some of them), the second joke on this wrapper was, word for word, Day 26’s coconut joke. A reused joke isn’t too unlikely, but for it to be on a wrapper from an entirely different bag of flavors, and for me to have read it just the day before – well, that’s just strange I tell you!
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: Blood orange.
Yeah, I mean I guess. Another fruit I’ll let go without a fight, they’re a little too tart for me. Too much blood, not enough orange. Now we know what Nosferatu was snacking on in that coffin for a few hundred years.
Day 28
At last, Mango-Passionfruit. The final untasted flavor I have in my possession – so far. I imagine over the course of this year a sub-goal of my writing project will be to try the most exotic Laffy Taffy flavors ever made – just to reduce some of the monotony. Even the ill-fated chocolate flavor, one of the most abhorrent Wonka spawns ever made.
Anyway, of course there’s a rock hard flavor in this pack too. There must always be one, I suppose. Eating this was a near impossibility and after finally finishing it, I can tell you the juice was not worth the squeeze. A shame, considering it was the only one that didn’t incorporate one of the standard flavors in it. It tasted like a strange, fake pineapple. One of those dum-dums you get at a hairdressers or your grandmothers. Just as brittle too.
Q: Did you hear about the dried grapes?
A: We’ve been raisin awareness.
Alzheimer’s, breast cancer, Parkinson’s – nah, we don’t care about those. Our mission is to raise awareness for raisins. Just where does this self-righteous author get off? They really think dried grapes need any more press?? Sun-Maid has been doing the heavy lifting on that front for over 100 years!! Get yourself to a worthy cause, raisin apologist.
Q: Where do grapes, strawberries, and peaches hang out?
A: Jam sessions.
I’m slightly more of a jelly guy, but jam can hit the spot on the right edible medium. A nice warm scone, perhaps. This joke is fine, the bar is low – I was surprised that none of the fruits listed were ones that couldn’t be jammed. It would probably have actually made me laugh to see something like coconut in it though, and Wonka can’t have my non-laughing streak broken… but maybe there’s hope for me next week?
This has been January 22 – 28 of my journey through the Taffyverse. You can catch the rest of it in a chronological list over at the index.
Cineri Gloria Sera Venit 